What Doesn't Kill You, Only Makes You Stronger

As a runner, I've learned to hold my breath when a stinky situation arises, typically prompted by ignorant smokers who blow smoke directly into your nasal passages, toxic bus fumes, and the occasional jackass with pit stains down to his ankles that insists on running at 9.9 on the treadmill beside you.

There are worse dilemmas of the odoriferous type, however, as I crudely discovered the other day. I'd just returned from a jog, all hot and sweaty and not in the mood to be bothered with. As I impatiently waited for the slow elevator to reach floor one, I grabbed my mail which consisted of the worthless monthly magazine from the gym. Lo and behold, when the elevator doors finally opened, Elmer Fudd and his overweight dachshund exited, shuffling at the pace of a death row inmate.

Elmer Fudd moved in about a month ago, earning the title of "creepiest old man" in my apartment building, successfully edging out the googly-eyed, unemployed guy with the junkyard car. My building is essentially a dorm for spoiled kids whose parents pay their rent and young, single working professionals taking advantage of the subsidized housing. If you're an old resident, you're probably a weirdo and inevitably, stick out like a sore thumb. Elmer Fudd is middle-aged, short and stocky, and stares you down like nobody's business. He looks like a world class pervert. It would be within reason to assume he uses his weiner dog for more than a friendly game of tug-o-war.

Had I not been so eager to jump into a cold shower, I may have noticed the foul odor before the elevator doors closed, sentencing me to the gas chamber. Never have I been subjected to anything so vile in my life. To say it was "rotten" would be an understatement. How it is humanly possible (not to mention NORMAL) to emit that much gas in the time it takes an elevator to descend two floors, I shall never know. Was it the dog? I can't rule it out completely. But I'm convinced otherwise.

Now I've passed out many places before -- cab rides, bar stools, random stranger's beds, but an elevator would be a first. In my head, I began composing goodbye letters to family and friends. Near the brink of defeat, I flipped open my Lifetime Experience magazine (at least it's good for one thing) to an article explaining how unwashed cucumbers only last for a week in your refrigerator before spoiling (good to know). I then took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the clean smell of fresh print. How relieved I was to inhale air that didn't reek like ass, you'll never know. I kept my nose buried in the magazine until the doors opened and I was no longer held prisoner against my will.

Running Goals

Though it's been an excruciatingly slow process, I've gradually begun to rebuild speed and distance with my running. I had a terrific run outside yesterday topping off around four and a half miles that could've extended to the six range, but I didn't want to overdo it. Plus I went to the gym in the evening with TheGuy where I continued to struggle when benching the bar, but at least my arm muscles aren't sore today. I also tackled squatting with the bar but it proved to be just as much of a challenge as I anticipated. My legs still burn. And once again, my horrible form caused me to look like a buffoon.

Short-term Goal: Running of the Pigs Part Deux. Last year RockStar and I participated in this 5K that marked the very first race for both of us. Naturally, there was a mixture of nervousness and excitement. This year, however, I can just relax and enjoy it! We've even recruited several others to join us so it should be a good time. In looking at the website, we were disappointed to notice we didn't make any of the photos so we plan to get noticed this year by sporting pink bandanas. The guys aren't too thrilled about it, but too bad for them.



Mid-term Goal: I'm going to do the Downtown Half which will be my first half marathon. It's an iPod friendly race that takes place right outside my apartment so how can I NOT do it? Plus there will be a lot of dogs there since they're having a couple 5K's where they allow you to run with one or two dogs. Unfortunately, I don't think Brody is up to the challenge. Maybe next year.



Long-Term Goal: I will do Twin Cities Marathon again. If I don't PR, I'll kill myself. Luckily, this is still a long ways off. Because I'm not mentally prepared to really start focusing on this yet.

Work It Out

After taking a long hiatus from working out, and noticing my shirts and pants puckering in places they were once roomy, I forced myself to go to the gym last night. It was a crummy workout, as to be expected when you slack off for months. I ran three miles, pausing several times for various reasons such as water break, muscle cramp, or to mop up my drool from staring at the hot personal trainer. Still gorgeous as ever.

The thing I was most pleased about was how much more energized I felt after the gym. Some days after work, I get home, plop down on the couch, stuff my face, watch Young & the Restless, and stalk my junior high crushes on the internet. Yesterday after I worked out, I went to Old Navy and bought a couple pair of running shorts, got home and showered, made myself a salad for dinner, watched Young & the Restless, cleaned up a bit, made my lunch for today, and did some ironing. I didn't even feel sleepy like I normally do. For most people, this is probably a typical day, but that was super productive for my lazy ass.

This is the worst part -- trying to get back into the swing of things when you're out of shape, but once you're over the hump and you've integrated exercise into your daily routine, it's not so bad and I fully intend to do so. Plus I am planning to sign up for Twin Cities Marathon again so the sooner, the better.

Recovery

After two weeks away from the gym, I returned last night. It was hell. I could only run at 6.0 on the treadmill, opposed to my average range of 6.5-6.7, and it was a challenge to complete 3 miles. Before my recent illness, I could effortlessly do 6 miles. Yesterday I felt fatigued and winded the entire time, contemplating whether I was doing too much too soon. If it hadn't been for the Thanksgiving break prior to the nine day bug, I would have been in much better shape. But no, I've got to accept it's gonna take some time to fully recuperate.

After the worst workout in history, I bought some new running shoes for a motivation boost. I also picked up a couple pairs of lycra warm-up pants to throw on over my shorts when I leave the gym. My old ones are looking mighty tattered and threadbare these days.

Running Season

It's my favorite time of year for running. While most runners yesterday were bundled up in jackets, I tend to be warm-blooded so I jogged in my college senior week t-shirt and shorts. I worked up a sweat, but the brisk air kept my body cool. Chilled temperatures work in my favor, pushing me to run harder.

I had this incredibly vivid dream over the weekend that I was running my second marathon. I was focused on my pace with a strong desire to beat my former time. I could see the flag mile markers and I was around the 14th mile when I awoke. In my dream, there was a sense of urgency -- a need to set a personal record -- the pressure similar to past dreams where I'm rushing to turn in a paper for class on time or the dreaded serving nightmares from my days of being a waitress. I wasn't satisfied with my time so maybe this was my body's way of telling me I have to do it again.

As a side note, I've seen this guy several times now running barefoot. Is that not insane?!? What if he steps on a nail? I hope he's up-to-date on his tetanus shots!

Muggy & Buggy

Ambivalent about whether to work out later or not. I noticed a difference in my arms the tortuous two times I did weights not long ago so maybe I'll do the elliptical and weights today. I did 8 miles outdoors yesterday, but I was disappointed because I was aiming for a 12-miler. Unfortunately, the weather refused to cooperate so I cut the run short -- the last quarter of a mile turned downpour. I assume it was due to the return of the humidity, but there was a plague of little black bugs yesterday. I had bugs in my hair, in my mouth, caught in my mascara, clinging to my tanktop. Every time I looked down, I had to shake off two or three bugs stuck in the thread of my shirt. If that weren't enough of a distraction, my stride was off since I failed to resist checking out every biker that passed me by in case it happened to be MJ. It creeps me out to know he sees me and I don't see him. At least I know he doesn't sport a spandex unitard -- yes, my friend inquired.

So the real reason I want to skip the gym today is so I can return a pair of jeans I bought a couple weeks ago. Standing before the dressing room mirror, I recall how flattering the jeans were, accentuating just the right places, and how I was loving the dark denim and yellow stitching. I tried on the jeans Saturday night, thinking it would be the perfect time to break them in, only to be horrified by the reflection staring back at me. Clearly, something drastic happened between the store and my apartment -- as if the length and flare of the jeans shrunk by two inches! How does this happen?!? At the time of purchase, I was of sober state of mind. Must be trick mirrors in department stores. Never been so anxious to return an article of clothing in my life.

Double Digits

Pretty sure I hit double digits last night in cocktails. My friend’s co-workers had a work outing and they partied it up downtown so she invited me to go out with them. We started at The Imperial Room and spent the rest of the night dancing at Rosen’s. Her co-workers were really fun and the guys were great dancers (far from your stereotypical white boy dance moves) so that made for great entertainment.

Random shit found in pocket next morning:

1.) Crumpled $2 intended for the tip jar of DJ who played our songs and bought us a shot
2.) Blue tootsie pop

I am envious of the fact my friend works with such a fun group of young professionals. I wish I could say the same. In job news, my raise FINALLY went through, but I’m still in the dark as to how much of a boost it is. However, it doesn’t change the fact I hate my job with a passion, and I deserve so much better than what I’m doing. When my internet starts working again (Qwest is garbage, I had to come to Panera to use their Wi-Fi), I really need to push myself to be proactive in my job search. I’m disgusted every time I hear myself tell others what I do for a living.

And in other news, I could not be any happier with the change in weather. With the humidity gone, I got three good outdoor runs in last week and it felt wonderful. I’m actually looking forward to doing some long runs in prep for the marathon now that it’s cooler.

Weight. Lift.

Things I would rather do than lift weights:

- Clean up projectile vomit
- Give my grandma a sponge bath
- Offer Deborah a piggyback ride

Weights are sooooo not my thing. Yet somehow I found the motivation to do them twice in the past couple weeks. I only ran three miles yesterday, then dragged my heels to the weight area. My arms are sore today and I suspect it'll be worse tomorrow. Why do toned arms have to come at such a high price? Mine are nowhere near that. One thing that keeps me going is the gorgeous personal trainer/model. I drool. Literally. If I had the extra money right now, I'd hire him. Today.

Marking One's Territory

Yesterday was busy. I got up, went to the gym, and did 8 miles on the treadmill. Thought that was pretty good until I came home and checked my marathon "schedule" that said I should have done 12.

Then I went over to Stripes' house and we watched the first four episodes of season three of Weeds. He found them online and downloaded them, complete with French subtitles. Since I was very much looking forward to the new season, I kind of felt like I cheated or something by watching them early. I think disappointment may be too strong of a word, but I wasn't exactly jumping up and down with anticipation by the end. Don't worry, no spoilers though. Andy's storyline is my favorite thus far.

From Stripes' place, I headed to GC's. She invited me to her co-worker's BBQ which was way out in the middle of nowhere in the northern suburbs. I didn't know anyone other than her, so that always makes for somewhat of an uncomfortable situation, but it was a good time in all. I had the biggest hamburger of my life -- it was so THICK. It literally took half an hour to finish. The hostess said they were from Costco. Damn, that was one hunk of meat.

GC's co-worker was a character. She played Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits album, spontaneously busting out in lyrics and dance moves throughout the evening. As we were leaving, she said, "I'm sorry there weren't any cute boys here for you guys to make out with. I'd hook you up with my boyfriend's friends if they weren't all losers."

After the party, GC and I went to Miami. It was a strange crowd. Never seen so many black shirts, tats, and piercings in such an unusual locale. Most likely had something to do with the Uptown Art Fair being this weekend.

Anyway, the night got interesting when GC told me she thought she saw Nick from Big Brother. Of course, at the mere mention of the show, my ears perk up. I didn't see him right away, he was probably outside smoking, but she swore up and down it was him. Okay, she saw the show for the first time Thursday night. I live and breathe the show (albeit no one is very enthralled this season) and it definitely wasn't him. Despite my declaration it looked nothing like him, she was adamant, however, saying she knew it was him 'cause she thought he was hot, so we kept giving him looks until he finally came over to ask why.

Instead of asking flat-out if he was a contestant on Big Brother, she asked his name. I don't recall what it was, but alas, it was not Nick. She thinks she knows him from somewhere, but they never figured out the connection. Still, they had a lovely conversation until the owner of Miami, who happens to be smitten with GC, saw what was going on and came out to stake his claim. If he were a dog, he would've lifted his leg and pissed on her. GC and I were sitting on stools at the bar so the owner came up behind GC and started rubbing her shoulders. His gesture was so blatantly obvious, it scared off NotNick instantly -- he pretty much ran away as fast as he could.

In shock, the rest of the night GC kept repeating, "Did that really happen?" Before we left Miami, she really wanted to give NotNick her phone number, so she boldly approached him at the bar. But all because of a little shoulder rub, she got shot down. NotNick's polite response: "We know the same people." Meaning, he knew the owner and didn't feel like getting his ass kicked anytime soon.

We went to Bar Abilene for a bit, but it was too early to be exciting so since we were both exhausted, we decided to call it a night. Too many booze and boys (notice I said boys, not men) for one night.

$4.99 Plus Tax

That's the amount I should have deducted from my hair stylists' tip last Saturday. When asked if I wanted front-angling, I replied, "sure," under the false presumption it would look fabulous, framing my face. She said she would just do a little bit, so I thought it would be fine. After all, she had a super cute cut and looked like Nelly Furtado and after four long hours together, she'd done a spectacular job with my highlights.

To my horror, she took the scissors and hacked off the front pieces of my hair so now I have stray side bangs. I hate bangs. I especially hate bangs when you're working out and they hang in your eyes and later stick to the side of your face, drenched in sweat. So I went to Target last night and spent $4.99 on two headwraps with an adjustable strap in hopes they will actually stay on my head, but I'm not so optimistic considering I have soft, slippery hair.

I've been nervous for the marathon lately because I haven't taken training seriously. As I've mentioned about 1,000 times now, I've felt lethargic and out of shape, but yesterday I finally had a really great workout, which I desperately needed. I pushed myself and did 6 miles in 53:33 so I was very pleased.

Afterwards, I went and found a pair of running shoes, but they didn't have my size, so I'm going to check a different store today. When I told my friend the other day about my worn-out shoes, she said, "You better buy new ones before you injure yourself!" That never even dawned on me. I also purchased a heart rate monitor -- something I've been wanting for quite a while. I read some reviews on Polar watches beforehand, but I detest the fact Polar requires you mail in your watch to change the battery. So I went with a less expensive, Timex one instead. It's my first HRM so we'll see how this one performs.

Make New Friends, but Keep the Old

Busy, busy weekend. Marley officially hates me for spending no time with him.

So Friday after work, I felt winded running 6 miles. It was painful. The first three, I kept wanting to turn back which I only consider if I am really struggling. I forced myself to push through and when I'd completed three miles, I finally seemed to get in the zone so it was all good after that. It's usually not so much of a struggle which is evidence of my slacking.

That evening, a girl friend and I made plans to have a reunion of sorts with a guy friend of ours we hadn't seen since fall. We first met at Tugg's, but it was really crowded so we walked to Whitey's in NE Minneapolis. A friend of mine from work came with a couple of his buddies as well.

It was good to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. Whitey's is a very relaxed place so there was no craziness going on -- no stripper pole in the middle of the dance floor. Not even a makeshift (i.e. move the tables and chairs), designated dance area. Good conversation, and that alone, is responsible for providing the entertainment.

After Whitey's, my girl friend and our old pal (my work friend went home) headed over to Grandma's to meet up with her friend from nursing school that was in town. Given my friend and I used to work at Grandma's, it is always an experience to go back there. I often feel overwhelmed by a flooding of flashbacks. However, the place was absolutely dead. Even on $1 beer night! That says a lot. The bartenders still hook us up so that's always a positive, but it was kind of depressing to see the lack of patrons. It was so dead they hadn't even bothered to turn off the lights in a place that used to be a major meat-market -- lighting is NOT conducive to random hook-ups!

After a two-week break from alcohol, my tolerance noticeably lowered. The two drinks at Whitey's were STRONG. I barely had anything at Grandma's, but I felt really drunk. Unfortunately, going to Grandma's turned out to be a buzzkill. By 1:00 am, all I wanted to do was go to bed and go to bed, I did.

Now What?

Ho hum, life is so dreadfully boring as of late. I feel totally unprepared for running 26.2 miles come October 7. My workouts have been sporadic -- I've failed to keep up with my training. I managed to squeeze in 4 days last week, running 6 miles each time, so a grand total of 24 for the week. According to my schedule, I should have completed 18-19 miles so maybe I'll be okay. It's the long Sunday runs I've been neglecting that will ultimately screw me over. I was supposed to do 9 on Sunday, the number rising by 1-2 every Sunday. Much to my horror, the humidity returned in full force after a 6-day stretch of relief, so my run yesterday was not a pleasant one.

Today I headed to the gym for the first time since the "re-modeling." They added new machines and granite benches and countertops to the locker rooms, but other than that, I couldn't tell much difference. Within thirty seconds on the treadmill, I stopped and opted for one of the new elliptical machines. Why is it I had to get stuck beside the guy who insisted on blowing his nose directly into his towel?! The same towel he then proceeded to use to wipe the sweat from his forehead. Trust me, there was nothing discreet about several loud honks of a blow that sounded like a Canadian geese mating call!! Snot and sweat...what a combo.

On my way home, guess who I had the privilege of seeing again? BellyBulgeGuy --same green khaki shorts and all. Like a bowl full of jelly!

Sweaty Shirt Fund

I almost walked into the guys' locker room yesterday. The club near work is under construction so they temporarily switched the mens' and womens' locker rooms and boy, is their side disgusting. Also due to construction, the club will not be open June 22-29 so that's just fantastic news right as I begin my marathon training. Running sucked yesterday. 5 days off + drinking + late-night, greasy food = bad.

I fully intend to make a suggestion to Lifetime for a Sweaty Shirt Fund, which will benefit not only those forced to wring out their shirt after working out, but will also vastly improve the overall experience for every member of the club. You see, there have been numerous occasions I've felt physically ill when faced with the sight of this:













If this is you, do yourself and everyone else a favor by investing in nylon or alternative moisture-absorbing fabric gym apparel! I know it's more expensive, but trust me, no one wants to get within five feet of someone who looks like they've just had a bucket of water hurled at them. And don't even get me started on smell...

Oh, and if you profusely sweat, gray is NOT a good color!

5 Miles in Hell

Why did I think I could run in this heat?!? Big mistake. My body prefers cold over hot any day of the year. I figured maybe I should try to acclimate my body to the humidity since this is my last week of freedom before marathon training starts.

In fact, I received my official participant of the '07 Twin Cities Marathon card in the mail today. I don't think the training itself will be the difficult part. I'm actually dreading the commitment of following a regimen more than anything. I hate the fact I'll no longer have the freedom to do whatever I want for my workouts.

Keep your Shirt on -- Please!!

If you're a guy, just because you can run without a shirt, doesn't mean you should. I realize it's like a thousand degrees outside with the humidity, but for the love of God, cover up!! Today I saw something no human being should be subjected to witnessing. As I was parked at a stop light, a pasty, white chubby male wearing green khaki shorts a couple sizes too small, ran past my car, his rolls jiggling as if in slow motion. The appalling image is embedded in my mind.

This humidity is killing me. Begrudgingly, I did a 6-mile jog yesterday in the heat, but today was simply unbearable so I went to the club and did 7 miles on the treadmill. Afterwards, I was doing sit-ups on the mats when a woman and her totally out-of-my-league personal trainer took the mat beside me. I've gotta start going to the club more often.

Dead Duck

Last evening, I had an unusual start to my run. Lying in the center of the sidewalk outside my apartment building was a dead female duck. Feathers and body parts seemingly intact, it were as if she had dropped dead while flying, plummeting from the sky to her untimely death. Perhaps she'd undergone duck cardiac arrest or maybe her wings simply tired of flapping or perhaps she committed duck suicide over the loss of her male companion. Whatever the cause, it was an odd sight to witness. You certainly don't see that every day.

Come rain or shine, I was determined to run outdoors yesterday. The weather has been rainy and gloomy as of late, and even though it looked like there could be a torrential downpour at any given minute, I risked my luck and did a steady 6-mile run. It rained throughout most of it, but it was more of a light drizzle that was actually quite refreshing. About halfway through, a giant, dark cloud loomed overhead, so in my head, I told myself I had to outrun it, which didn't really work out so well, but it was fun to try. What can I say? Running can get boring -- sometimes you have to create your own entertainment.

Run Forrest, Run

After slacking the past couple weeks, I did a 12-mile run yesterday. Initially, I thought maybe I'd do 10, but when I reached 10, I wasn't tired, so I figured, what's 2 more? I'd never pushed myself to run that far before so it felt good knowing I could!

I was a little sore yesterday and thought I'd be hurting today, but I'm happy to report no soreness. I would've liked to work out today, but forced myself to rest after that long run. Not only did I not work out today, but I slept in 'til 11:40 AM!! No recollection of the last time I slept in that late -- usually don't wake up past 9:30. Going to bed after 3:30 AM every night this weekend may have had something to do with that...

At Least I Made it...

...to the gym this weekend. Saturday was a slow struggle to make it 4.5 miles and today I took it easy by opting for the elliptical. If I go to the Maple Grove Lifetime, they have 4 different types of elliptical machines. The one I like best does a really good job of working your glutes because it is raised at more of an incline so it works different muscles than the standard elliptical. I tried out another elliptical today that sits lower to the ground, but it aggravated my knee, causing it to pop, so I guess I won't be using that one. I'm certain knee replacement surgery is in my future!

As for other updates, I am officially registered for the Twin Cities Marathon on October 7. On Friday, there were a couple people at the birthday shindig who have run marathons so they were discussing it in great detail.

This former co-worker/friend of the birthday girl ran Twin Cities last year and the way she described it, made it sound so exhilirating! She said she literally felt like a rock star because people are constantly cheering you on, and even though you know they're not just cheering for you, it genuinely feels that way.

One of the guys also present has run many marathons and I guess people often write their name on their shirt so that the crowd yells your name and then you really feel pumped! He also told this fantastic story about how one of his friends collapsed so he and his buddies physically carried the guy to the finish. How amazing is that!

I'm not a believer of fate, but in this case, I strongly feel as though I was meant to run this marathon. It's something that's been in the back of my mind for years and years. This year, by chance, I heard the bit on the radio and then when I was in the company of marathoners on Friday, I knew I had to go home and register for the race. Failure to finish is my biggest fear, but that's a lousy excuse. I know I'll feel even more rotten if I don't at least try.

TGIF

Yesterday's run was not good. I never fell into "the zone." I'm sick of my songs so it's time I added new music to my shuffle. That may have been part of the problem. I jogged at a slower pace, 6.4, and I kept hoping it would get easier as the miles stacked up, but it never did. I also felt unusually dehydrated. I had a bottle of water in my cup holder but I was too lazy to stop. If I had, my body probably would have shut down altogether, having lost my momentum. It was that kind of day.

It's a shame I had no camera because I did see some interesting outfits. I saw one woman wearing a bright orange top with matching pants who looked like she'd just escaped from the nearest prison. Then there's an older guy with a mustache and crazy mullet who always wears the same faded Everlast tanktop with his gut hanging out between where the shirt ends and his shorts begin. One dude on the treadmill worked out in jean shorts. Odd.

Still, the prize for tackiest outfit went to a middle-aged woman with salt and pepper colored hair. I can only assume she came straight from work because she was wearing black nylons under her shorts!!!!! She then had white socks over the nylons paired with white tennis shoes. Ridiculous. I hate nylons with a passion. I can't imagine anyone choosing to work out in them. Why, why, why?!?!

5 Days Later...

I did 6 miles in 54:28! Still not that great of a time, but a vast improvement from my prior record. Upset with myself for skipping 5 consecutive days, I took out my aggression on the treadmill. For the last 1/2 a mile, I even cranked the speed to 6.9. Pretty sure the highest I'd EVER had it before today was 6.7. The weather was beautiful today too, but I forced myself to go to the club because I actually push myself there.

I'd like to buy a heart rate monitor watch, but haven't done enough research on them yet. I really need to get serious and keep track of my splits. I'll be more motivated outdoors that way.

Old habits die hard. Once again, I failed to stretch so I could be in pain tomorrow!

Update: I ran so hard today my favorite Old Navy running shorts chafed my waistline! It hurts. Sigh.