Changes

So I'm back...

Happy Memorial Day!

Where shall I begin?

I start my new job June 2nd and I cannot wait!! My last day at my current job is this Friday and the day I walk out those doors will be the best day of my life to date. No joke. You have no idea how many times I've dreamt of that very moment. And I have to admit, I never thought the day would come. I basically feel like I've been dead inside for the last three years during my time there. Now I feel free!

Naturally, Deborah is freaked out by my leaving; it's her worst nightmare. She's cleaned out the bags of Grandma's cookies from four floors of vending machines, which leaves two floors to go in our building. Will she successfully go through all six floors before my last day? I sincerely hope so. She keeps asking why the vending machine guy hasn't refilled the cookies yet. It's not his fault the supply exceeds her demand. I said, "Deborah, you're like the cookie monster." Her response, "I know. They used to call me that when I was younger." For some reason, Stripes and I upset her the other day so she ignored us all Friday. I honestly have no idea what set her off but it will be interesting to see if she continues to hold a grudge my last week.

As for my new job, I will actually be doing things related to my major so I am very much looking forward to that. TheGuy's sister hooked me up with the job so if it turns out I really enjoy it, I will forever be indebted to her. I'm feeling fairly positive about the potential of this job so I hope things work out. Another great part is that I'll be working downtown so it's only a few miles away which means I will be taking the city bus, drastically reducing my gasoline costs.

It seems as though there was a brief interlude where I wasn't living up to my partying ways, but have no fear, I seem to have made up for lost time in the past month. Last weekend I was out for a bachelorette party and towards the end of the night, C-Sharp and PFunk showed up so I sat at the bar and drank with them. When the bar closed, we planned to take a cab to another bar that stays open later but we couldn't get a cab. We kept walking and walking and then C-Sharp said we could probably get a cab from The Loop, which is in the opposite direction of my place. So I ran away from them in the street, being the stubborn drunk I am, and decided to walk home. Right before the bridge I cross to get home, one guy decided to relieve himself in the bushes right beside the park bench so I yelled out, "Hey, you're gonna get a ticket for public urination!" He said, "Oh yeah? I'll pee in your mouth!" I learned nothing shuts me up faster than "pee in your mouth" so I went on my way. As I was nearly halfway across the bridge, the pee guy called out, "Hey girl! Wait up!" I just kept walking without turning back. He continued, "I know you hear me! Hold up, we may as well talk since we're going the same way!" I quickened my pace and exited the bridge to a side street. Maybe next time someone tries to tell me not to walk home from the bar by myself, I'll actually listen. Maybe.

Friday night was sorta interesting. One of TheGuy's friends from college was in town for the weekend so a bunch of people got together at a bar in NE. You may recall I bumped into MJ there a year ago. Before we headed there, we stopped at another bar in NE and met up with some of TheGuy's friends. We were supposed to meet at 9:30 but one of the guys recently moved here from Kansas City so being that he wasn't familiar with the area, he agreed to pick up another friend from a suburb 30 miles outside the city. There were only about twenty people in the bar but it turned out that I ran into one of Buzzkill Biatch's friends. She was there with her husband and another couple so we sat and talked with them for a while.

Eventually TheGuy's friends showed up and we had a drink, then headed to the other bar. As we were walking in, I told TheGuy that one of the bartenders liked me so hopefully he would be working so he'd hook me up with drinks. TheGuy's response, "Just act like you're gonna sleep with him."

When we first went up to order drinks, there was just one dude behind the bar but it started getting busy, so the bartender told one of the wait staff to "get Ryan." I couldn't remember if that was his name, but apparently it is, as he showed up and took my order. I started a tab with him so I went to get all my drinks from him throughout the night.

So TheGuy had stepped outside to wait for me, as it was uncomfortably hot inside and it took a while to get a drink, but he waited for me to walk to the table on the patio where everyone was sitting. Prior to this, I had wondered if LP was going to be there because she is good friends with the girl who was there from out of town. Sure enough, as we walked up, LP was there with her bf at a table of about 15 people. They were at the opposite end of the table, however, so there was never any interaction between TheGuy and LP. I don't know how I felt about it. It was weird and it made me want to bring up the fact I knew he tried to date her behind my back. But I resisted.

Instead, I got really drunk (super strong drinks will do that) and had fun talking with MJ every time I went back inside to get drinks. After I bought the second round of drinks, he said, "By the way, you look fabulous tonight." It was sweet and flattering. No one has ever told me I looked fabulous before. And oftentimes I don't like when people are so forward, or especially if they say it as a "line" but he's not like that. I mean, he's smooth but I don't think he would say things like that unless he genuinely meant it.

Later on, he had told me he was going to get off work soon so he would come out and say hi. The next time I went back for drinks, his shift had ended, as he was sitting at the bar. He said he'd gone and out found me on the patio but that he hadn't wanted to interrupt since I was with such a large group of people. Probably that, and the fact I was surrounded by two dudes on each side of me. Conversation is kind of fuzzy but we made plans to go biking/rollerblading for Sunday since he always sees me running and lives just across the river. We exchanged numbers and then he sent me several texts over the last hour of bar time. First he wanted me to come out and say bye to him because he was leaving and then his second one said, "So glad to see you again, can't wait to hang out :)" I thought that was sweet. And his last one said, "And I'm not that young!" But he really is. I think he's like three years younger. He told me but I can't remember due to all the rum. Yup, he's a baby.

For the last round of drinks, I went in and ordered mine first while I talked to MJ. Though I was supposed to be getting drinks for TheGuy and his friend too. Apparently I was gone for quite a while, as I later realized I got a text from TheGuy asking if I had died. Oops. So after I ordered my last drink, MJ told the bartender to put it on his tab. And then I later ordered the other two, but I am pretty sure I had already closed out my tab by that point so I don't know what happened to those two drinks. I really hope they didn't end up on MJ's tab! I couldn't carry all three drinks out to the table so MJ helped me carry one of the specialty glasses and gave it to TheGuy. All night I kept thinking how I was a bitch, but I can't deny liking all the attention I was getting from MJ.

In my drunken, only half-serious state, I hadn't realized Sunday was a bad day for me, as I had to watch Brody at my parents' house. When MJ called Sunday, I didn't answer but later called back and explained I had forgotten about watching my dog at my parents' and that I would call him later. I decided not to hang out with him though and instead went to TheGuy's house and we went on a walk, got ice cream at Grand Ole Creamery (how have I never heard of this place before? YUM!) and then met up with his friends at the bar for a while. I feel like it was sort of our "coming out" weekend to his friends. I know a lot of the same people as him on acquaintance terms, but we don't usually go out to the bars together so most people don't/didn't know we were dating.

There was one really awkward moment on Saturday night when we went to a bbq/housewarming party for one of his friends. His friend flat-out asked him if we were dating while we were standing in the kitchen, as he'd heard through his wife's friend, also a friend of mine, who had been informed we were dating through one of my friends when I received my second wedding invitation solely addressed to me, no "+ guest" this summer. It was incredibly awkward. Seeing our discomfort, he immediately apologized, saying he "just had to ask."

One other thing, LP and her bf were there again Saturday night when we met up with a lot of the same people from Friday night at a bar.

TheGuy hasn't said anything about Korea recently and I haven't asked. I had a lot of fun spending time with him this weekend, but there are always doubts swirling around in my head. I don't know, maybe I will always be like that with every guy? Sometimes I wish I could just be "normal" and happy with the way things are, but I always seem to feel restless and uncertain.

Oh, I bought a new sofa with chaise and a chair this weekend! My new furniture is tope though so I'm terrified of spilling on it, but I'm excited to be able to lay down on my couch!! Right now, I have two loveseats that are terribly uncomfortable to lie down on. I can't wait to spend hungover days on my chaise!

Maybe Bye Bye

Last week TheGuy submitted his application to teach English in Korea, stating June 1st as his available start date. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On one hand, I know I'd be crushed by his departure - - it's only once in a great while that I allow myself to grow so close to someone. In fact, the pathetic part of me may or may not have cried in my cube at work on Friday when my co-worker Stripes decided to stop by.

Yet part of me hopes he goes since I know he's not the right guy for me. When he asked if I thought he should go, I told him I couldn't encourage him nor would I dissuade him from going. I told him to do whatever is best for him and if that doesn't include me, so be it. I may be a mess for a while, but I'll understand and get over it and continue to be his friend. Ultimately, I could never feel good about myself knowing I held him back and became the source of his regret and/or resentment, which is what I would be doing by telling him to stay.

If he decides to go, I will discontinue hanging out with him immediately. Then I'd just be waiting around, all sad and depressed and shit, and who wants to do that?

Boring Updates

Things have been non-eventful lately. Here's all that's happened the last couple weeks.

1. Majority of my free time has been spent with TheGuy. Not real exciting stuff. LP's Facebook status has changed to "in a relationship" but the man remains a mystery.

2. Heard the song "American Boy" by Estelle featuring Kanye on the radio last weekend and loved it ever since.

3. The latest on Curly Sue and Boris is that the whole "outing" of the affair turned out to be a cruel joke. Thus it continues. Or more like, never stopped.

4. I'm really paranoid TheGuy is going to find this blog. In reviewing the history on my computer, I discovered he clicked on a couple of my bookmarks. While I don't have this blog bookmarked, he could easily figure out which is mine if he spent enough time perusing my favorites. Now I must remove them.

5. My mom had a dream that she entered a room to find me crying hysterically. When she asked what was wrong, I said, "TheGuy proposed." Her response, "No wonder you're crying."

6. I'm enjoying being able to run outdoors again. I haven't done more than 6 miles yet, but I'm pleased for now. Thanks to the help of my trainer (TheGuy), I successfully barely bench and squat 55 pounds now! My balance still needs a lot of work though.

7. One of my high school friends recently got implants. I haven't seen her yet but my curiosity is at an all-time high. I will probably see her this weekend.

8. My dad went golfing over the weekend by himself and ended up joining a threesome, which included a guy who introduced himself as Bobby, as in, the guy I've been infatuated with since seventh grade. Also there? A guy I accidentally made out with once in college when his roommate insisted he walk me home one night. So I guess Bobby was playing with a brand new driver and when he went to tee off, he swung with so much force that the driver head flew off the end of the club. He was pissed, understandably so. And played like crap for the next few holes.

9. Jason texted again last weekend, wanting to know if I was out. I wasn't. It's been two months since I met the kid. One thing I neglected to blog about earlier is that I have slight reassurance in his physical appearance. In doing some super stalking on Facebook, I discovered he's friends with this girl that used to live in the unit next to me. We never really spoke much, but I saw her all the time and yet again, through Facebook and MySpace, I learned she met Bobby (yes, my Bobby) at WeFest one summer and became friends with him. Also, she's friends with this guy at the gym Deborah goes to and she attempted to set me up with him. Now there's a third connection. Anyway, this girl and her friends are really pretty so I can only assume he must be a decent looking guy. Who knows if I'll ever find out.

10. A few days ago, my brother's girlfriend told this story I can't get out of my head. One of her friends had plans to dogsit for a week. The first day she arrived at the home, their poodle was dead. She found the vet's phone number and the vet told her the dog hadn't been doing well lately so it wasn't a big shock, but told her she still needed to bring the dog into the clinic. Unfortunately for her, this was no toy poodle, the thing was heavy. She decided her best option was to put the poodle in a suitcase with wheels. She was in Chicago so she needed to take the train and in the process, she struggled with the suitcase on the stairway. A man nearby offered his assistance which she graciously accepted. While on the train, he asked, "So what do you have in that suitcase anyway?" She replied, "Computer equipment." At her stop, she filed out, suitcase in hand, only to be shoved aside as some guy from the train ran off with the dead poodle. Could you imagine the look on his face when he opened the suitcase?

11. I got a tattoo of a hickey on my neck.

12. I learned a new term for cellulite: hail damage. Funniest term since "muffin top."

Whatever Dude

Yesterday at work I was talking to TheGuy on gchat when I decided to ask him to change his relationship status on Facebook. It was really more of a test than anything, which he barely passed -- he got a C-. His relationship status has always said "single" while I've never listed my status. I mean, why?

Immediately after I asked him, he ignored me for the next twenty-five minutes. I got pissed, said a few unkind words and signed off. Then I logged into Facebook and noticed he removed his relationship status from his page. The weird thing was he did it ten minutes after I asked though he didn't bother to respond to the IM I'd sent twenty-five minutes prior to that.

Then he sent a b.s. apology email about being in the middle of something important at work (yeah right, he never even went idle) and saying he'd removed that he was single though he wasn't sure that's what I was "going for or not" and more b.s. about how annoying it is when people update that stuff all the time (6 months = all the time) and that he's a private person that way (so he can continue to pursue LP and other women).

Clearly, it was not something he wanted to do.

Weekend Overview

It was a good, busy weekend. Friday night TheGuy came over and we made dinner, watched a couple movies and enjoyed strawberry daquiris courtesy of my new blender. It was neither the cheapest nor the most expensive -- just a middle of the road blender. I had been using an old hand-me-down blender that only blended 3/4 of its pitcher contents and that was only after multiple trial and error attempts using a wooden spoon to relocate the uncrushed ice cubes down near the blades. After reading reviews and not really finding exactly what I wanted, I settled, as I often do in love and life, for this Oster blender. It only has one speed -- on, but it seems to get the job done and according to reviews, it was the best bargain for my price range, as expressed by consumers and their 4 star rating.



Then Saturday we got up and went to the Minnesota Zoo because I was dying to see the Farm Babies exhibit. We fed baby goats and pet baby sheep, ducks, and bunnies. The baby pigs were pretty darn cute too. We headed to the gym afterwards where I did my first full squat on my second set and increased my 5 reps to 8 for the bench press. My quads were sore for a full four days after my first time doing squats but there's no soreness this time around!

On the relationship front, things are about the same. Am I stupid for hanging out with TheGuy after the whole email scandal? No doubt. But I have no delusions. I like that we spend a fair amount of time together yet we maintain our separate lives. While I'm wary and put off by the heavy, emotional stuff in a relationship, I very much enjoy having someone to embody that role of constant companion. This is what TheGuy fulfills -- my selfish desire for companionship. I never pictured us having a future together and I don't believe he does either. He still talks about wanting to teach English in Korea so I must not be much of a factor in his decision. Where that leaves us, I don't know. If I were a normal human being, I'd have broached the topic of conversation long ago. Normal? Far from that. I did meet his mom for the first time, as she's home visiting for a week, when I stopped by his house last night. She was nice and I was surprised to learn she not only knew I existed, but knew I had a cat.

Saturday night I went out with Ebeth to our usual bar with the usual people. Bumped into C-Sharp in the parking ramp so hung out with him a while too. In the bar, not the parking ramp. A few guys came up to me throughout the night, but I don't know whether they were actually hitting on me. One guy remembered me from college. I didn't know him, but knew of him because he was a nice, friendly guy, but I never would have recognized him. It's funny how you spend four years at a small college where you see all the same people around campus, at parties, and at the bars and never say one word to them but once you see them after college, you have no qualms about approaching one another.

Later on, a guy with thinning hair and a striped button-down shirt came up to me and said, "Do I know you from Vegas?" I'd seen him looking at me as if he knew me and I was wondering if it had been that Jason guy since he had texted me and I'd told him where I was. But as soon as he said Vegas, I breathed a sigh of relief. I believe my response was something like, "Uhhh..." Well, I was in Vegas a few months ago but I was really wasted 90% of the time so I guess anything is possible. Then he added, "Are you a writer/producer in Vegas?" I should have said yes and messed with him, but I didn't, prompting him to turn and walk away sheepishly. Was it a line? Maybe, but I don't think so. I saw him again later that night and he shot me a look of humiliation as he passed by.

Around 12:30, Jason sent a text saying he didn't know if he'd make it to the bar I was at, as he had planned on trying to stop by. I figured it meant he wasn't coming and Ebeth and I were already kinda bored so we both took off around 1. When I got to my car, I sent him a text letting him know I'd gone home early and he responded by saying that he was already on his way. So we missed one another by minutes. Oh well. He had told me, "It's all good" and "hit me up sometime" in his last text. All I know remember of him is this: 1.) He graduated from Eagan in 2000 so he's a year younger than me. I really hate that fact but I could probably deal. 2.) He played soccer. 3.) He lives in Bloomington and his parents live in Milwaukee. I programmed his last name into my phone because I already had another Jason in my phone book, so I'm pretty sure I found him on Facebook but I can't look at his profile and his picture is really tiny with a bunch of groomsmen. I guess I could ask him if he's on Facebook and add him as my friend or I could ask him if he wanted to meet for a drink, but I am kind of scared. And the anticipation of not knowing is probably way more exciting. But now I'm more curious than ever to know what he looks like.

Yesterday I went and saw my friend's baby. Babies don't like me, or maybe I don't like them, but he's undeniably cute. He was all smiles yesterday so that was definitely fun to see. Afterwards, I went and visited my old best friend from childhood. Truth be told, I'm racked with guilt anytime I hang out with her. When we were growing up, I was always the leader who made all the decisions in our little group. Then my family moved away when I was in 7th grade and things were never the same. My old best friend started hanging out with the wrong crowd and went drastically downhill from there. I often think about what would've happened if we hadn't moved. Obviously, I was only a kid at the time so I had little to no say when my parents decided to uproot our very important social lives and move to the boonies, but I know my best friend's life would be completely different today.

Bleak Weather Outlook

In Minnesota, it's that annoying time of year when you're in between winter and spring attire. One day you're basking in the glow of the warm sun and the next day you're scraping snow off your car. Thus the game of tuck your winter coat away in the closet and dig it back out becomes part of your routine. Many days, it's too warm for a winter jacket, but it's also too cold for a spring jacket. What's a girl to do?

Relationship-wise, I'm in a similar spot. I question my own judgment as I continue to spend time with TheGuy. Frankly I enjoy the companionship, but I needn't be reminded of my complete lack of trust in him. Regardless of whether LP is with someone else now is beside the point. The fact remains TheGuy is/was (?) proactively pursuing other women when I [naively] assumed he'd at least have the decency to break it off with me first.

Then there's the flip side. If you know me, there's always a flip side. In an ironic twist, I find that I'm actually more willing to open up to TheGuy. If that doesn't exemplify how messed up I am when it comes to relationships, I don't know what does. Since I've already gone through the whole betrayal part and know what he's capable of, I feel much less vulnerable. From this point on, anything either of us says or does pales in comparison. In my mind, it doesn't get any more deceitful than what he did. I know it was wrong of me to look at his email but I can't say I'm sorry I did.

GC and I have discussed doing Match. We'll see.

Relationship Forecast: Shit storm advisory effective immediately with 90% chance of precipitation. Visibility zero.

New Pawn

Here I am, bored at work, so I decide to check out LP's Facebook page for the 1,457th time. In response to her friend's post from yesterday, at 8:21 am today, LP writes back, providing updates on her new job and life in general. Included is this statement:

"also, i'm seeing someone, which is exciting... how bout you? what's new in your life?"

So I thought she was getting back together with her ex, but perhaps I was mistaken. I feel like she would've mentioned her ex's name of 4 years had it been the case. Could there be a new man in the picture? Could it be TheGuy? I guess I can't rule it out indefinitely, but no, I don't see that as a likely possibility. I wonder if TheGuy has seen that post yet...

By the way, I'm going to the gym with him again tonight. Why? Because I'm sick in the head. Don't you people know that by now?!? SICK!

In Limbo

My head has been reeling the past few days. I'm suffering dizzy spells due to all the spinning.

Buried deep, there is hurt. Why can't I tap into that?

I know it's crazy for me to think there's anything worth salvaging from this relationship when there wasn't much of one to begin with. Nonetheless it's the lost time, the lost memories, the lost feelings that I have a hard time letting slip away. Where do they go? Do they get filed away in archived folders in your mind? Do those feelings get replaced once you enter a new relationship? Or in time, do they dissipate altogether?

I know it's time to let go, I'm just not there yet...

p.s. Note to self: Under no circumstances should you date another guy friend!

Not Smart

Apparently in my world, when you want to break up with someone, you spend more time with them. That's logical, right? In my defense, I'm perfectly aware I'm a dumbass. Last night I went over to TheGuy's house and we went to the gym. I ran three miles on the treadmill while he walked -- he hurt his foot while trying to get the Christmas tree on the Christmas tree stand way back in December and the injury he suffered, possibly a fracture, still hasn't healed.

After time on the treadmill, I had this tight, nervous feeling in my stomach (similar to when I snooped through his email) as he led me to the weight area. I've mentioned before my severe intimidation when it comes to lifting weights.

The first thing he did was a squat with the bar rested on his shoulders. When it was my turn, I wimped out. The bar just seemed so heavy for my weak arms and I envisioned myself squatting down, not being able to get back up again, and tumbling over backwards. Whether my lack of muscle or lack of confidence is the real issue, I guess I'll never know 'til I try.

Then it was on to the bench press. I've attempted to bench the bar two or three times in my lifetime, with a success rate of zero. But last night I managed to do it -- 2 sets consisting of 5 reps each, with a pause in between. Never mind the fact my inability to hold the bar steady proved how much of a struggle it was. I kept stopping to ask TheGuy if people were laughing at me and he always said "no" but I don't know that I believe him.

Then we did some free weights. He grabbed the 10 lb. pound weights which I immediately exchanged for 5 lbs. I felt really silly standing before the full-length mirrors with my 5 lb weights while there were all these buff guys around me. That is why I would never do that kind of thing on my own. I guess that feeling of self-consciousness is something you just have to get over.

As for the situation, I know it's clearer than crystal, but I think maybe I am getting some sort of cheap thrill contemplating all the different ways it could play out...

Well, Now What?

Because I'm a sneaky person, who knows the nature of their kind better than one of their own? I've always had subtle indicators and gut feelings that TheGuy is very similar to me in that regard. My suspicions were confirmed this weekend. Friday night TheGuy and I had date night. We grabbed dinner downtown and went to see The Bank Job. The next morning, we got up and enjoyed a lazy afternoon, as we do, lounging on the couch watching TV, ordering food, and perusing the internets.

He spent some time looking at his usual websites. In particular, there are three or four video game forums he regularly posts on and visits daily. I lump all the websites into one by referring to it as "dork.com." Mistakenly for him, he also decided to check his Gmail, Facebook, and MySpace on my computer. I believe he was wary about doing so prior to discovering my stalker side. By the grace of God, or more likely of the two, my laptop battery running out of juice and consequently shutting down my computer, he forgot to log out of all three.

When I plugged my computer back in, I went to the Google homepage and noticed his email address in the upper right-hand corner. Seeing as how I'd planned to check my Gmail, I quickly put that plan on the back burner and went on to check the Big Brother sites I frequent. Thankfully, he didn't check dork.com one last time before he left. Not two seconds after his departure, I made a beeline for the computer. Somewhere in this timeline, I did stop for a moment and think about the fact that maybe I would find something I'd rather not know.

For instance, a while back, I found a weird outgoing text message he'd sent to his friend about participating in some sort of contest with his ex. Obviously it wasn't incriminating enough to bring it up or even be upset by it, but after that, I resisted the urge to check his phone every chance I got. I realized that by seeing that message, it had done me no good other than got me speculating over something I would never know the answer to. And I talk to Platonic Ex almost daily so I could never be upset over someone being friends with their ex. I still wish I knew what kind of contest it was though...

Anyway, after the last time I saw that email about the girl I went to college with, LP, I knew I'd be ridden with regret if I failed to do a follow-up check when the opportunity arose. And it turns out my instincts were right. TheGuy and LP exchange emails pretty regularly. I had to skim but from what I saw, the subject matter was everyday stuff. However there was one email where he was asking her to do something. "Not too sound too overeager, but is there any day next week that works for you to hang out? The only days I do have something going on is Tueday and Wednesday." She wrote back and said the only day that worked for her was Tuesday. She didn't offer any other days to do something.

It's evident to me she's doing her best to gently blow him off by the length and tone of her emails. His are really long and use proper capitalization and punctuation whereas hers are much shorter and no uppercase letters to be found. Minor detail, I know, but isn't life about the minor details?

Things really got interesting when I looked at his sent messages. There was one to a friend of his titled "The Plan" where TheGuy asked his friend why he hadn't come up with a plan yet like he said he would for TheGuy to get this girl that hung around her ex bf all the time. His friend's advice was to be "the nice guy." Yeah, that should seal the deal! Here's where another part of the story comes into play. I didn't exactly know LP in college but I knew of her. And I knew of her boyfriend who she apparently dated for like 4 years. Ever since I realized TheGuy had hung out with LP, I've been regularly stalking her Facebook page. Her page and that of her ex-boyfriend. He had been dating some other girl but a couple weeks ago, his relationship status changed to non-existent and all pics of him and his former flame were removed.

Meanwhile, LP has posted messages on her ex-boyfriend's wall. And you can just tell she wants to get back together with him. Apparently, he watched her cat one weekend so she thanked him for that and talked about that and just this past weekend, they attended some concert together. In the last few days, her relationship status which previously said "single" has now been completely removed from her profile. Typically when people do this it's when they're in the "in-between" stage where they're not "officially" together yet. So my guess is it won't be long before both their profiles say "in a relationship with [insert appropriate name]."

Freaked out after this discovery, I immediately elicited the advice of friends and in the process, successfully draining the battery of my cell phone. My friends told me I should NOT tell TheGuy I looked at his email. Good thing I called them first, for my initial reaction was to do just that, but I held off until I had the proper time to weigh all my options.

Saturday night came and as I suspected, I received two texts and one phone call from TheGuy saying he was going out with some friends and asking if he could crash at my place. I ignored the texts and call, and then fifteen minutes later, I got a text that said, "Ok, well I am planning on it, so let me know if it is a problem." My passive aggressive response was to do nothing. I'm not easily angered or rattled, but when I am, I have to act impulsively or my rage begins to fade. Letting all that time pass between the email and going out time (approximately 8 hours) definitely released some of those feelings of resentment. As much as I wanted to blow him off, a part of me has grown so accustomed to our usual routine of going out separately with our friends and then passing out drunk together at my place that I didn't want to give that up just yet. So I let him come over. I was sober, he was drunk, but it would've been interesting had I been drunk because the chances I would've sort of accidentally brought up the email would have been high. We ate pizza and watched The Office until he began to pass out.

On Sunday, I went home for Easter and he went to brunch with his sister. After I got done with Easter, I was bored so I asked if he wanted to go see Horton Hears a Who since that had been our equally alternate Friday night movie option. Pretty cute movie by the way. Then we just hung out at his house. He'd done some digging and found the book Catcher in the Rye for me because he almost fell over backward in his chair when he realized I was an English major who'd never read it (along with other classics).

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I was all set to break up with him but then I missed that window of opportunity while I was riled up. Either way, I've known this relationship was doomed from the start. It didn't start off in the most traditional way and while we've had our ups and downs, I've been on the fence throughout the whole thing. I enjoy spending time with him but I am not in love with him nor do I feel that it would happen anytime soon. I have never doubted the fact that there are others out there with whom I'd be more compatible with. I am guessing he feels the same way about me. I have to admit I felt a sense of relief after finding this out because it gave me a strong valid reason not to pursue things further. In a way, that's what I was looking for: a sign one way or the other.

Yet I also can be the typical girl who only dwells on the good parts of the relationship when it comes to the breaking-up part. I'm not cut out for breaking up with people even if I know it's for the better. Mostly I hate losing the devoted companionship you once had, and then having to fill that newfound void in your life. For now, I guess I am toying with my abundance of options (I've got a few in mind) which could most certainly blow up in my face, but what does it matter now?

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I texted that Jason guy when I was out on Saturday and found myself at the same bar where we met. He texted back right away and said that unfortunately, he was in Milwaukee for the weekend. We exchanged a few more texts and then he said we should text one another next time we're both out. Still no recollection of what he looks like since I was wearing full-on beer goggles. If we ever meet up, I'll have to request he wear a Hello, My Name Is name tag so I can identify him. And if he turns out to be ugly as hell, it will make for good blogging.

Bumps in the Road

I know I've been saying this for a while now, and yet I continue to feel like my relationship with TheGuy is at a standstill. The baby steps can be disheartening at times. Especially when you learn Buzzkill Biatch is moving halfway across the country with some dude she's been dating a month and claims to have "never felt this way about a guy before." Part of me wants to abandon ship and get out before I'm in any deeper but another part of me figures I've waited it out this long, what's another few months? I'm sure I will take the more passive route (that's how I do) by staying with him to see if any stronger feelings develop, but I don't know if that will happen.

Last night we got dinner and went to The Wild hockey game. While it was one of the better dates we've had -- conversation-wise, it still wasn't anything amazing. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'm searching for a reason to sabotage things before they get too serious and one (or both) of us gets too hurt. Maybe he's just not the right guy for me. Maybe I'm much too cynical for my own good. It could be all of the above or any number of things.
I will say that our level of comfort has changed for the better. Before he went home last night, we watched a couple episodes of The Office and engaged in some playful fighting on the couch which surprisingly, we've never done. It was by far our most light-hearted moment yet. I've noticed that I catch him staring at me a lot lately. I don't know whether he's about to say something and then changes his mind, or if he's trying to come up with something to say, or whether he's simply just looking at me.

Oh Baby!

Last weekend I invited TheGuy to go to dinner with my family. It was the first time he met my brothers so it was kind of a big deal.

And then there's my mom. You may recall she did meet TheGuy at the wedding, but that was only a brief encounter so her moments of opportunity to humiliate me were few and far between. But when you have a mother who tends to rapidly form emotional bonds to the significant others of her children, it can be a scary thing to bring boys home. She’s still not over the loss of Platonic Ex and probably never will be.

To my surprise, she behaved herself at dinner. For the most part.

At one point, she turned to TheGuy and said, “Have you seen WTP’s baby pictures?” Yes Mother, we sit around and page through my baby books on weekends. TheGuy said no, and thus when prompted to see them, he gave the only polite response in such a situation and pretended to be amused as he flipped through my mom’s wallet-size photo booklet.

I mean, really, do guys care about their girlfriend’s baby pictures? I think not. She pulled this once before, busting out the baby pictures back when she first met Married Ex. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

It's not like my mom said, “Would you like to see a picture of my daughter making out with another girl?” or “Hey, do you wanna see a photo of my daughter in a schoolgirl uniform?” Seeing a picture of a pudgy baby dressed in trousers with red suspenders and saddle shoes is hardly interesting.

I really don’t know what my mom is thinking by asking the guys I bring home if they want to see my baby pictures. Is she hoping they’ll see how cute I was and suddenly get down on one knee and ask for my hand in marriage? Damn, she sure was a cute baby, imagine what our kids would look like! She's not really a picture person, but for some reason, when it comes to whipping out those baby pictures, it’s always a quick draw. Typically cashiers and sale associates are the victims of her Proud Mother Syndrome.

Speaking of babies, my mom and I were at the mall a couple weeks ago when she struck up conversation with the young couple + baby in front of us. After cooing over the newborn, she turned to me and said, “You know, I would like to have grandchildren someday.” Thanks Mom.

Single Self vs. Relationship Self

One thing I struggle with is not wanting to lose my independence in a relationship. Is it possible to be with someone and not lose a part of yourself? I don't believe so. You give up your freedom (to make out with random boys/girls). You make room in your life for this person. You factor them into decisions on a daily basis. You make compromises. You make promises. You do your best not to break said promises. You love. You trust. You share. Your capacity to do these things grows. You forgive.

After Platonic Ex and I broke up, I shut down emotionally. The thought of going through the whole process with someone else was unfathomable. Yet on the plus side, it was liberating to have my single life back. It took me a while to get back into the swing of things i.e., going out and partying every weekend, but as it turns out, it's like riding a bicycle.

Unfortunately, I can tell I've begun to shift from my rockstar lifestyle and it saddens me. I miss crazy late-night shopping cart shenanigans with GC and C-Sharp. While I still try to go out at least once a weekend, it's just not the same. And as more of my friends say "I do", the sadder it gets. Once a friend gets engaged, you see less and less of them. And once they're married, well, you see them at showers, weddings, and funerals. Keep in mind I'm speaking generally. Yes, I have married friends whom I still hang out with, but I can't help but long for the carefree days of college when everyone's first priority was which party to attend this weekend as opposed to what color should the table centerpiece be.

Sometimes There's a Moment

The other night I went and hung out at TheGuy's house. It was nothing special. We got dinner and watched some TV. But everything was different. Rather, his demeanor was completely different in a warm-hearted, romantic and affectionate way. For the first time, I could feel that he really cared about me. It used to concern me that I never truly felt it before. But this time I did. And it didn't freak me out like I thought it would.

I'm not always cynical.

Rambling Updates

It's been a year since my last post. Plenty has happened but I was extra busy at work this week so that really cuts into my blogging time. Also I never used to do much during the week but I suddenly developed a social life at some point. There's just been no time.

Where do I begin? Forgive me if this is an incredibly scatter-brained post. Things with TheGuy have been good. I think. But then again, I go back and forth. I don't know if it's him or if it's just my inability to be happy in a relationship. Being the eternal pessimist that I am, I find it extremely difficult to be happy and stay happy in a relationship. Last weekend I was certain TheGuy was going to break up with me, but then I realized it was just my extreme paranoia and me letting my neurotic tendencies get the best of me. When I'm with him, if he's not as attentive to me as I think he should be at that very moment, I'm convinced it's because he's thinking of breaking it off with me or that he's thinking about another girl or something equally terrible. I don't know why I'm like this but I am. And it takes a very very very long time for me to finally be comfortable in a relationship to the point where I no longer have these pangs of anxiety.

And then there's me. Some of the time I'm not even sure that it's right. Is it all that it could be? Probably not. Could I find someone better suited for me? Certainly. And then when I'm consumed by these thoughts, I contemplate the strength of our relationship. March 10th is the anniversary of the first time we hooked up. Well, technically the second time if you count that one time back in college. But it's been a year and I feel like we've made such little progress. I know of couples who have been together less than a year and found themselves married and pregnant by now. Not that I wish that were me, but you know what I'm saying. I know I said I didn't particularly want a serious relationship before, but as time goes on, I can't help but think of the future and the long-term potential for our relationship. Honestly I can't picture it. So if there's no long-term potential, what's the point of dating? It would just mean that I may be missing out on meeting other prospective men in the meantime.

Yeah, I am rambling. And so it continues.

So Valentine's Day. I never confessed my hatred for the Hallmark holiday which I still feel slightly guilty about but it proved to be a good test of his feelings for me. I have to admit he was kind of cute about it. If I were into that sort of thing, that is. He took me to a place called Broder's. They weren't taking reservations for Valentine's Day but you could call an hour ahead and get put on a waiting list. So we called around 7 but they said we could possibly be seated an hour and a half from then. We decided to just go to the deli part instead. Originally he had suggested getting food to-go from the deli and taking it back to my place for "a picnic." Just the sound of that made me want to throw up a little in my mouth so I was pleased when he asked if I just wanted to eat there once we arrived. It was really good. Of course I am biased because Italian food is my absolute favorite. But I had this spinach lasagna meal that came with salad and bread as well. And of course I had no problem polishing off every last bite. Afterwards we went back to my place and watched Love Actually. I know, kind of sickening. But he'd never seen it before and it's pretty much the best Valentine's Day movie I own. I am not a big fan of the chick flicks but that is one I actually like. How can you not like it?

He also brought a bottle of wine and a gift bag full of candy (no chocolate though cause he knows I don't care much for it) and a card with a Victoria's Secret gift card in it. He said he went to the store with the full intention of buying me something but that only lasted several minutes before he gave up and went for the gift card. Probably a wise choice. I am rather picky and possibly would have felt bad too bad to return something he bought me.

I don't know whether women are supposed to buy men gifts but I didn't. Finding a decent card was bad enough. It's not like I could get him one expressing my love and adoration. Buying cards is a diffult thing for me. For one, I feel as though I could write something better. Sometimes I consider writing my own cards. Anyway I found the most generic Happy Valentine's Day card from me and I got him a super dorky Barack Obama card from Marley since he's big into politics and I couldn't resist. Even writing "Love, WTP" in the card was a struggle. I know me and I know I'm not anywhere near the love stage. Good news is that I'm pretty sure he's not either. But sometimes I find it frustrating that we're not close to that point. At the rate we're going, I feel like I probably wouldn't be at that stage until summer at least, assuming we're still dating then. I don't know. It's definitely been an interesting journey.

Something I meant to blog about a while back was that I met this older black guy at the grand opening party for r. Norman's/Seven. I was there with GC and her friend when he came up and introduced himself to me. I wasn't all that attracted to him but his confidence was sort of alluring. Although he did admit to being nervous about approaching me and asked if I'd noticed him checking me out earlier in the evening. I hadn't. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. Do I? I guess maybe I do but I don't know if I thought that at the time. He asked if he could take me to get a drink the following day for happy hour and I said yes. Why? I don't even know. I had no intention of going out with him, but it had been a long time since a guy had asked for my number. And this guy was definitely classier than any guy I've ever hung out with so I think I was flattered even though I wasn't interested. He asked when the best time to call was so I said after 5.

I bumped into him again as I was leaving and he asked if I done valet. I said no. Then he asked if I needed a ride to my car to which I said no again and scurried across the street to get away before he insisted on giving me a ride. As it turned out, I probably shouldn't have turned down his offer because I couldn't find my car! I'd parked at a meter a few blocks away and got all turned around so I was roaming the streets in the bitter cold in search of my stupid car. It wasn't until I hit the panic button on my car that I realized it was just kitty-corner to me. I don't know how I managed to walk by it several times. Apparently these things happen when you have a buzz.

Sure enough, the next day I received a call from a number my phone didn't recognize at 5:17 sharp. I let it go to voicemail, he left a message, and I deleted it. No call back. The night before, right after he'd asked for my number, GC's friend had said, "That guy is SO going to call you." And she was right. So the following weekend I was out with GC and the girls when I saw that guy at our usual bar. I immediately felt really bad. He came up to me too. He said, "I knew you weren't going to approach me." Then he talked about how hard it is to ask a girl for her number and pointed out that he'd actually called me and there'd been no call back. He said, "You must have a boyfriend." So this time I said yes. I did think it was kind of cocky of him to assume there was another guy in the picture. Because even if there wasn't, I still wouldn't have gone out with someone so forward like that. I could never deal with someone like that.

Anyway, I've got more stories in store but I am heading out for the night. Sorry if there are typos or if things don't make sense. I wrote this really quick and don't have time to go back and proofread like I normally do.

When the Dust Begins to Settle

I think I smoothed things over. The worst part was telling TheGuy my reasoning for asking if he was on a date. It went something like this: "Well, first I went through your email and then I stalked your potential love interest on Facebook and read through all the posts on her wall." That's totally normal behavior, right?

He said it wasn't a date and I believe him. But I made sure to point out the obvious fact LP was hoping it was a date or sort-of-a-date. I asked if he knew she liked him and he said he didn't think she did. To prove my claim, what else could I do but have him read the post from LP's friend saying, "How'd stuff go, plans to do it again???"

If I had to do it all over again, would I? I don't know. He expressed his annoyance of me accusing him of going on a date and even more annoyance of me going through his email. I don't believe my lame attempt to defend myself did much good: "I swear I didn't click on any of your emails! I just saw the beginning text part!" I never actually accused him of going on a date though, I merely asked. In fact, my exact text was: "At the risk of sounding paranoid, did you go on a date on Thursday?" After all, I'm an English major. I choose my words wisely.

So last night I offered to take him to dinner and then we went to his house and watched some season three of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He has the episodes downloaded on his computer, which I am terrified to even touch now because he'll probably assume I am checking his browsing history or something equally stalkerish (not to say he would be in the wrong). I'm pretty sure his web browser no longer opens up to his email inbox and never will so long as I'm around. See, this is what happens when you fail to heed your own advice.

When you Know or Don't Know

After my mom delivered the sad news, TheGuy came over and hung out with me. I thought I'd cry in front of him, but I didn't shed a tear, successfully dodged that bullet. I hate crying. I especially hate letting others see me cry.

Last night we grabbed dinner at Sawatdee. He summed it up best when he said, "On all accounts, that was the worst Thai food experience of my life." Not only was the food a major disappointment, but the service was equally horrendous. I ordered the pad prig which is basically a stir-fry with green and red peppers, mushrooms, and onions. It was okay, but nothing to write home about for $12. He ordered the pad thai, requesting medium spiciness, but it was bland and greasy. The Diet Coke I ordered never arrived until I asked a second time and when it came time to pay our bill, our server was nowhere to be found. As a result, her lack of service caused us to be late for The Wild game.

TheGuy and I have begun to spend a lot more time together. In the last twelve days, I've seen him eight of those days. It actually feels like we're dating now. I still have no expectations or any idea as to what the future may hold. Maybe I'm skeptical because it's taken so long for us to reach this point. If it's right, do you always know from the beginning? I've never had luck with that before. In the past, when I met someone I really liked, I became so neurotic that I wound up sabotaging the relationship because I was terrified of getting hurt. I'm still trying to figure out what sort of balance I need to maintain a healthy, non-dysfunctional relationship.

Nod of Approval

If any of you were wondering, I decided to give TheGuy his Christmas present -- the Dwight Schrute bobblehead I ordered online about a decade ago. And at the risk of blowing my aloof cover, I told him the truth: that I'm a neurotic fool who didn't want to give him anything unless he got me something so he wouldn't feel obligated to buy me some pity gift. Because really, the more psychotic a guy thinks you are, the more endearing he'll find you.



p.s. cats love Dwight's bobbing head.

Imaginary Line in the Sand

The post that was long overdue...

I'm going to refrain from sharing the details of my friend's wedding. It'd be different if it were my own, but since it's not, it isn't really my place. That being said, I will say this: the ceremony was beautiful, the bride stunning, and the reception looked amazing.

Now on to the sensationalized details of what is a very dull life. Prior to the ceremony, I kept checking my phone to see if TheGuy had decided to bail at the last minute. He'd mentioned not feeling well the day before so I thought perhaps he was setting up some sort of alibi. No such text arrived but I never saw TheGuy or Platonic Ex during the ceremony. Afterwards, I received confirmation through a mutual friend that Platonic Ex did indeed attend (he was rumored to be a no-show) and that was followed by an ambiguous text from TheGuy letting me know he was on his way to the reception.

When we arrived at the reception, I immediately saw TheGuy talking to my dad. Unfortunately for him, that was the only person he knew aside from the bride and one of the fellow bridesmaids. I went up to say hello, quickly spotting my mom chatting up Platonic Ex and his good friend RWD nearby. Not five minutes later, leave it to dear old Mom to make an uncomfortable situation worse by leading Platonic Ex over to us and saying, "TheGuy, have you met Platonic Ex?" This goes down as one of the most awkward moments of my life. They shook hands and Platonic Ex said, "We've actually met before." TheGuy said, "Oh? We have?" To my knowledge, the two hadn't met, but it's certainly possible. Back in college, we went to parties hosted by TheGuy and his roommates which Platonic Ex very well may have gone to with us, but I don't recall such an introduction being made.

I don't know what all my mom said throughout the evening (my friends probably spared me the humiliation), but I do know she gave Platonic Ex a long, sappy spiel about how he'd been a part of our family for four years and that he's always welcome in her home. Even going so far as to say, "No matter what time of day. I don't care if it's 3 in the morning -- you know how to get in our house." And then she was lamenting the travesty of our breakup to the parents of my friends. That was a year ago Mom -- get over it!

Though I never uttered the words, everyone assumed TheGuy was my boyfriend and I heard, "This is WTP's boyfriend" tossed around on more than one occasion. And I never bothered to correct anyone. What would I say? Actually, we're dating but we haven't reached that stage yet.

An old friend from my days of waitressing put me on the spot when she turned to me and TheGuy and said, "So how long have you guys been dating?" Dead silence. She continued, "You've been dating a long time, right?" I shook my head and was quick to reply, "No." Then I added, "You're probably thinking of my ex-boyfriend," whom I was dating during the year and a half we worked together. But she said, "Nooo. So how long has it been?" I turned to TheGuy who flashed a stupid smirk so I knew I was on my own. Maybe part of him was curious to see what I would say. I finally said, "A few months." I think it was several months ago that we actually started going on dates. I don't know where she got the idea we'd been dating for a long time, but "a few months' seemed to satisfy her that he was indeed "the guy I'd been dating for a 'long' time." I still say she was confused.

It was blatantly obvious Platonic Ex and RWD were segregated from the rest of "our group" all evening. They were seated on the opposite side of the room and they stayed on that side for most of the night. Once the majority of guests had cleared out, they eventually moved to seats beside the dance floor and I danced with RWD for a song. After the reception, the remaining crew headed to a dive bar across the street where the segregation took place yet again: us versus them. Knowing my date's presence was the reason they couldn't socialize with the rest of us made me feel terribly guilty so TheGuy and I left early.

In talking to my friend the next day, she reported that as soon as we left, Platonic Ex and RWD made their way to the rest of the group, which is exactly what I knew would happen. What I never would have predicted, however, is that Platonic Ex told my friend ever so matter-of-factly there was an 80% chance he and I would get back together. I've had days to process this and still have no idea what led him to this conclusion. It was good to see him, but it ends there. Perhaps he was just reeling from a recent falling-out with his girlfriend. I guess he told everyone he got on her last nerve while they vacationed overseas during the holidays.

I Think too Much for my Own Good

I am weird about gift giving. If I put too much thought into it, it's distressing. If someone gives me something, I feel like I owe them and vice versa. I know that defeats the purpose of a "gift" but that's how I feel.

A few months ago, I bought something for TheGuy, but I became so anxiety-ridden at the thought of giving it to him that I never did. Then I thought I'd wait 'til his birthday, but we all know how that turned out. Then Christmas came and I went so far as to wrap the damn gift, but then stowed it in the back of my closet.

I know, I'm seriously perturbed.

My warped reasoning was this: If I gave him something, and he didn't get me anything, then he would only be buying me a gift out of a sense of obligation. And I didn't want that.

So when he never showed up at my door bearing gifts, his already-wrapped present was left to collect dust.

On Tuesday I went to his house and we watched some more It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (thanks MD!). Between episdoes, I got up to use the bathroom and when I returned, TheGuy had moved and was sitting in his chair. He said, "So I got you a Christmas present. It was supposed to be here a week ago but I ordered it from Amazon and accidentally selected 'free shipping' so it took a long time to get here."

I opened it and thanked him, but made no mention of his present. If I tell him now, will it seem like I rushed out to get him something and fabricated some lame story about my gift-giving neurosis?

I am such a head case.