Woe is Me

In high school, there was this adorable guy, Chris, who worked at the American Eagle in the local mall. He was tall with dirty blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. He embodied the All-American boy with his rugged good looks, harboring the affection of many a young girl. We couldn't help but swoon and giggle every time he said, "Can I help you find anything today?" His name may also have come up once or twice during a few slumber parties.

One day at my locker, I overheard my equally beautiful neighbor, Courtney, telling her friend she'd been hired at American Eagle. In relaying the gossip to my best friend, we realized, "Oh no! Now she's probably going to start dating Chris!" Sure enough, it wasn't long before we saw Chris outside of the mall, as she paraded him around at football games (he went to a different high school) and dances and parties I wasn't cool enough to attend. Not only were they an aesthetically pleasing couple to look at, but they were dressed in the latest fashion trends courtesy of their 10% American Eagle discount.

Ten years later and I'm still wondering, why don't things like this ever happen for me? It's incredibly rare for me to be attracted to someone based entirely on looks. A man tends to grow more or less attractive in accordance to his personality and my preconceived notions of our compatibility. In the rarest of cases, I instantaneously deem a guy "hot" such as Bobby or the Hot Personal Trainer at my gym, and he's never interested in me. Thus, out of my league.

There's no moral to this story other than the fact I have shitty luck when it comes to men. Why are the hot ones never taken with me?

Bleak Weather Outlook

In Minnesota, it's that annoying time of year when you're in between winter and spring attire. One day you're basking in the glow of the warm sun and the next day you're scraping snow off your car. Thus the game of tuck your winter coat away in the closet and dig it back out becomes part of your routine. Many days, it's too warm for a winter jacket, but it's also too cold for a spring jacket. What's a girl to do?

Relationship-wise, I'm in a similar spot. I question my own judgment as I continue to spend time with TheGuy. Frankly I enjoy the companionship, but I needn't be reminded of my complete lack of trust in him. Regardless of whether LP is with someone else now is beside the point. The fact remains TheGuy is/was (?) proactively pursuing other women when I [naively] assumed he'd at least have the decency to break it off with me first.

Then there's the flip side. If you know me, there's always a flip side. In an ironic twist, I find that I'm actually more willing to open up to TheGuy. If that doesn't exemplify how messed up I am when it comes to relationships, I don't know what does. Since I've already gone through the whole betrayal part and know what he's capable of, I feel much less vulnerable. From this point on, anything either of us says or does pales in comparison. In my mind, it doesn't get any more deceitful than what he did. I know it was wrong of me to look at his email but I can't say I'm sorry I did.

GC and I have discussed doing Match. We'll see.

Relationship Forecast: Shit storm advisory effective immediately with 90% chance of precipitation. Visibility zero.

New Pawn

Here I am, bored at work, so I decide to check out LP's Facebook page for the 1,457th time. In response to her friend's post from yesterday, at 8:21 am today, LP writes back, providing updates on her new job and life in general. Included is this statement:

"also, i'm seeing someone, which is exciting... how bout you? what's new in your life?"

So I thought she was getting back together with her ex, but perhaps I was mistaken. I feel like she would've mentioned her ex's name of 4 years had it been the case. Could there be a new man in the picture? Could it be TheGuy? I guess I can't rule it out indefinitely, but no, I don't see that as a likely possibility. I wonder if TheGuy has seen that post yet...

By the way, I'm going to the gym with him again tonight. Why? Because I'm sick in the head. Don't you people know that by now?!? SICK!

Not Smart

Apparently in my world, when you want to break up with someone, you spend more time with them. That's logical, right? In my defense, I'm perfectly aware I'm a dumbass. Last night I went over to TheGuy's house and we went to the gym. I ran three miles on the treadmill while he walked -- he hurt his foot while trying to get the Christmas tree on the Christmas tree stand way back in December and the injury he suffered, possibly a fracture, still hasn't healed.

After time on the treadmill, I had this tight, nervous feeling in my stomach (similar to when I snooped through his email) as he led me to the weight area. I've mentioned before my severe intimidation when it comes to lifting weights.

The first thing he did was a squat with the bar rested on his shoulders. When it was my turn, I wimped out. The bar just seemed so heavy for my weak arms and I envisioned myself squatting down, not being able to get back up again, and tumbling over backwards. Whether my lack of muscle or lack of confidence is the real issue, I guess I'll never know 'til I try.

Then it was on to the bench press. I've attempted to bench the bar two or three times in my lifetime, with a success rate of zero. But last night I managed to do it -- 2 sets consisting of 5 reps each, with a pause in between. Never mind the fact my inability to hold the bar steady proved how much of a struggle it was. I kept stopping to ask TheGuy if people were laughing at me and he always said "no" but I don't know that I believe him.

Then we did some free weights. He grabbed the 10 lb. pound weights which I immediately exchanged for 5 lbs. I felt really silly standing before the full-length mirrors with my 5 lb weights while there were all these buff guys around me. That is why I would never do that kind of thing on my own. I guess that feeling of self-consciousness is something you just have to get over.

As for the situation, I know it's clearer than crystal, but I think maybe I am getting some sort of cheap thrill contemplating all the different ways it could play out...

Well, Now What?

Because I'm a sneaky person, who knows the nature of their kind better than one of their own? I've always had subtle indicators and gut feelings that TheGuy is very similar to me in that regard. My suspicions were confirmed this weekend. Friday night TheGuy and I had date night. We grabbed dinner downtown and went to see The Bank Job. The next morning, we got up and enjoyed a lazy afternoon, as we do, lounging on the couch watching TV, ordering food, and perusing the internets.

He spent some time looking at his usual websites. In particular, there are three or four video game forums he regularly posts on and visits daily. I lump all the websites into one by referring to it as "dork.com." Mistakenly for him, he also decided to check his Gmail, Facebook, and MySpace on my computer. I believe he was wary about doing so prior to discovering my stalker side. By the grace of God, or more likely of the two, my laptop battery running out of juice and consequently shutting down my computer, he forgot to log out of all three.

When I plugged my computer back in, I went to the Google homepage and noticed his email address in the upper right-hand corner. Seeing as how I'd planned to check my Gmail, I quickly put that plan on the back burner and went on to check the Big Brother sites I frequent. Thankfully, he didn't check dork.com one last time before he left. Not two seconds after his departure, I made a beeline for the computer. Somewhere in this timeline, I did stop for a moment and think about the fact that maybe I would find something I'd rather not know.

For instance, a while back, I found a weird outgoing text message he'd sent to his friend about participating in some sort of contest with his ex. Obviously it wasn't incriminating enough to bring it up or even be upset by it, but after that, I resisted the urge to check his phone every chance I got. I realized that by seeing that message, it had done me no good other than got me speculating over something I would never know the answer to. And I talk to Platonic Ex almost daily so I could never be upset over someone being friends with their ex. I still wish I knew what kind of contest it was though...

Anyway, after the last time I saw that email about the girl I went to college with, LP, I knew I'd be ridden with regret if I failed to do a follow-up check when the opportunity arose. And it turns out my instincts were right. TheGuy and LP exchange emails pretty regularly. I had to skim but from what I saw, the subject matter was everyday stuff. However there was one email where he was asking her to do something. "Not too sound too overeager, but is there any day next week that works for you to hang out? The only days I do have something going on is Tueday and Wednesday." She wrote back and said the only day that worked for her was Tuesday. She didn't offer any other days to do something.

It's evident to me she's doing her best to gently blow him off by the length and tone of her emails. His are really long and use proper capitalization and punctuation whereas hers are much shorter and no uppercase letters to be found. Minor detail, I know, but isn't life about the minor details?

Things really got interesting when I looked at his sent messages. There was one to a friend of his titled "The Plan" where TheGuy asked his friend why he hadn't come up with a plan yet like he said he would for TheGuy to get this girl that hung around her ex bf all the time. His friend's advice was to be "the nice guy." Yeah, that should seal the deal! Here's where another part of the story comes into play. I didn't exactly know LP in college but I knew of her. And I knew of her boyfriend who she apparently dated for like 4 years. Ever since I realized TheGuy had hung out with LP, I've been regularly stalking her Facebook page. Her page and that of her ex-boyfriend. He had been dating some other girl but a couple weeks ago, his relationship status changed to non-existent and all pics of him and his former flame were removed.

Meanwhile, LP has posted messages on her ex-boyfriend's wall. And you can just tell she wants to get back together with him. Apparently, he watched her cat one weekend so she thanked him for that and talked about that and just this past weekend, they attended some concert together. In the last few days, her relationship status which previously said "single" has now been completely removed from her profile. Typically when people do this it's when they're in the "in-between" stage where they're not "officially" together yet. So my guess is it won't be long before both their profiles say "in a relationship with [insert appropriate name]."

Freaked out after this discovery, I immediately elicited the advice of friends and in the process, successfully draining the battery of my cell phone. My friends told me I should NOT tell TheGuy I looked at his email. Good thing I called them first, for my initial reaction was to do just that, but I held off until I had the proper time to weigh all my options.

Saturday night came and as I suspected, I received two texts and one phone call from TheGuy saying he was going out with some friends and asking if he could crash at my place. I ignored the texts and call, and then fifteen minutes later, I got a text that said, "Ok, well I am planning on it, so let me know if it is a problem." My passive aggressive response was to do nothing. I'm not easily angered or rattled, but when I am, I have to act impulsively or my rage begins to fade. Letting all that time pass between the email and going out time (approximately 8 hours) definitely released some of those feelings of resentment. As much as I wanted to blow him off, a part of me has grown so accustomed to our usual routine of going out separately with our friends and then passing out drunk together at my place that I didn't want to give that up just yet. So I let him come over. I was sober, he was drunk, but it would've been interesting had I been drunk because the chances I would've sort of accidentally brought up the email would have been high. We ate pizza and watched The Office until he began to pass out.

On Sunday, I went home for Easter and he went to brunch with his sister. After I got done with Easter, I was bored so I asked if he wanted to go see Horton Hears a Who since that had been our equally alternate Friday night movie option. Pretty cute movie by the way. Then we just hung out at his house. He'd done some digging and found the book Catcher in the Rye for me because he almost fell over backward in his chair when he realized I was an English major who'd never read it (along with other classics).

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I was all set to break up with him but then I missed that window of opportunity while I was riled up. Either way, I've known this relationship was doomed from the start. It didn't start off in the most traditional way and while we've had our ups and downs, I've been on the fence throughout the whole thing. I enjoy spending time with him but I am not in love with him nor do I feel that it would happen anytime soon. I have never doubted the fact that there are others out there with whom I'd be more compatible with. I am guessing he feels the same way about me. I have to admit I felt a sense of relief after finding this out because it gave me a strong valid reason not to pursue things further. In a way, that's what I was looking for: a sign one way or the other.

Yet I also can be the typical girl who only dwells on the good parts of the relationship when it comes to the breaking-up part. I'm not cut out for breaking up with people even if I know it's for the better. Mostly I hate losing the devoted companionship you once had, and then having to fill that newfound void in your life. For now, I guess I am toying with my abundance of options (I've got a few in mind) which could most certainly blow up in my face, but what does it matter now?

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I texted that Jason guy when I was out on Saturday and found myself at the same bar where we met. He texted back right away and said that unfortunately, he was in Milwaukee for the weekend. We exchanged a few more texts and then he said we should text one another next time we're both out. Still no recollection of what he looks like since I was wearing full-on beer goggles. If we ever meet up, I'll have to request he wear a Hello, My Name Is name tag so I can identify him. And if he turns out to be ugly as hell, it will make for good blogging.

Sneaky Little Thing

Before my brothers came along, my parents described me as this vibrant, cheerful little girl full of zest. Upon their arrival, my world came crashing down faster than Britney Spears' dignity. They were these pesky little creatures who not only stole my coveted personal belongings, but also stole the undivided attention right out from underneath me.

There's an old photo of me sitting peacefully on the perched area of our brick fireplace, toys neatly beside me, as my rugrat of a brother crawls below me. Since he hadn't learned to stand yet, I'd found a temporary way to keep him from being within hands reach of decapitating yet another Barbie.

As the misfits grew older and I realized they weren't going anywhere, I discovered ways to use their naivety to my advantage. If I learned a "bad word" at school, I'd rush home and tell the first one I saw and watch with guilty pleasure as my mom stuck a bar of soap in their mouth. They were putty in my hands. If I told them to jump on the living room furniture, I'd first be amazed by their stupidity, then run off and snitch to my mother. I never got bored of finding new ways to get them in trouble. As they were being hauled off to their rooms, I'd relish the role of the "good kid."

Being a good listener, I look for the weaknesses in others lest I need it for future use to strike a nerve. I became an expert in the field of pushing people's buttons using my two brothers as lab rats. It didn't take much for me to get one or both of them riled up, pitting them against one another. Not before long, they'd be wrestling and getting hollered at while I sat back and enjoyed the show.

I didn't know it at the time, but even our neighbor said something to my mom about my uncanny ability to manipulate men and how oblivious they were to my evil doings. So yes, I'm a little manipulator who instigates drama. I'm so sneaky about it that those around me fail to notice and it's become second nature so I no longer realize I'm doing it myself. Don't be fooled by my quiet presence. Bwahaha.