Married Ex Update

Last night a good friend called to fill me in on some juicy gossip regarding Married Ex. Apparently, Married Ex’s college roommate, B-Side, didn’t attend the wedding ceremony, but he went to the reception. B-Side knows Married Ex’s wife because they all worked together (the same way Married Ex and his wife met).

B-Side said it's no secret that all their friends/co-workers think Married Ex’s wife is psychotic. Before she got involved with Married Ex, she had a long-term boyfriend that everyone knew she was obsessed with. B-Side’s co-worker told him that during the wedding, as they were saying their vows, Married Ex’s wife looked out at the crowd, zeroing in on her ex-boyfriend and burst out crying. For a guy to notice to such a thing? Must have been very conspicuous! As my friend said, “That’s like something out of a movie or TV!” I was thinking the same thing: like when Ross said ‘Rachel’ instead of ‘Emily” during his vows.

B-Side also said the reception was awkward and not the least bit fun. He said no one in Married Ex’s family, including his extended family, likes his wife and it was terribly obvious. B-Side said people were actually making bets on how long the marriage would last.

I feel the same way I did after I ran into Married Ex’s brother and he shared the same sentiments. Only now Married Ex is married. I couldn’t imaging marrying someone that NONE of my family or friends cared for. Though love is blind, if everyone you knew disliked the person you were with, wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they saw something you don’t??

Things that Make me Feel Better

The infamous hermaphrodite wedding picture...



Under normal circumstances, I would find a picture of Married Ex removing his new wife's garter disturbing if it weren't for this...

First Dance

It felt like a sucker punch to the gut seeing the "first dance" photo of Married Ex and his new wife on MySpace for the first time. I immediately called a couple friends for reinforcement. I felt better the moment my friend said, "He's probably relieved thinking, 'whew, no one will suspect I'm gay now!'" I guess you could say he had a few homosexual tendencies that were never confirmed one way or the other. The other friend I spoke with asked if their pets were included in the wedding party. Shockingly, no. And last but not least, I was told, "If you look closely at the first picture, it looks like she has a boner." Her dress poofs out in just the right location. I love my friends.

The Day My Ex Got Married

From this day forth, November 3rd will be known as "The Day My Ex Got Married." Because I like to torture myself, I spent some quality stalker time on MySpace. Her headline reads: "Well dang, I'm about to get hitched!" With the addition of five unnecessary exclamation points. Her friends have posted comments reassuring her how beautiful she's going to look walking down the aisle and crap like, "At this time tomorrow, you're going to be a bride!"

All day I was haunted by what I knew was going on just twenty miles north of me. Around 10 am, GC and I went to Lake Calhoun and I was reminded of all the times Married Ex and I went rollerblading there so many years ago. I imagined his fiancée, all nervous and excited, was getting her hair done in that atrocious style she had for her trial.

Then at 4 pm, I wondered if it was official yet. Were they joined 'til death do them part by the oh-so-romantic legally binding contract? A few hours later, I ran to the mall to return something when I realized the reception was now taking place. I know exactly where the venue is located since I've been there and if I hadn't been on a time constraint that involved me getting ready to go out and get wasted, I may have driven by the reception. Or parked my car and used binoculars to scope it out.

As I went to pass out in bed, I thought about whether he carried her over the threshold. I decided he would probably be embarrassed by that silly gesture, but she would INSIST it be done. Then I wondered if his lanky, frail arms would support her.