Jealous Much?

About a month ago at dinner, Lo told an amusing story about her roommate, Missy. Missy has been doing Match.com and during one of her recent first dates, the guy told a story that involved some of his female friends, to which Missy said, "I don't believe in men and women having friends of the opposite sex." Her date said, "So you wouldn't marry a guy that had girls as friends?" She shot back, "Why are you bringing up marriage? Is it because you want to marry me?"

The following day, Missy relayed the conversation to Lo, and in all seriousness asked, "So what should I do if he calls? Should I answer?" "No," Lo said, knowing full well a call would never be made in the first place.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. I try to be realistic when it comes to jealousy. Just because you've chosen to be in a monogamous relationship shouldn't mean you're no longer allowed to have friends of the opposite sex or find others attractive. That's crazy. And would never happen. If he/she tells you otherwise, they lie.

One pattern in my dating history is that I've never dated a notoriously jealous guy. Not even remotely close. While I can't speak on behalf of men, I believe some women find it chivalrous when their men get jealous. To me, jealousy screams insecurity and lack of trust on the part of the possessive half. I would never have the patience or tolerance to put up with that constant mistrust.

If someone is gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. There's not much you can do about it. When you're growing up, parents and teachers repeatedly tell you not to drink or do drugs, which only piques your curiosity and makes you want to rebel even more. I apply the same logic when it comes to jealousy: the more you try to control someone, the more resentful they'll become and it will only fuel their need for secrecy. The way I see it, it will do more harm than good and potentially drive a huge wedge in your relationship.

Don't Stay Together for the Kids

Sorry, it's a serious one folks...

A few weeks ago, my friend and I got to talking about her parents' divorce. I was surprised to learn she was happy (at thirteen) when her parents, who fought non-stop, announced their divorce. I'd always hoped for the same.

To this day, I'm sometimes haunted by raised voices, slammed doors, and the image of my mother's car peeling around the corner after yet another quarrel with my dad. It was typical marriage disputes -- financial issues, unmet needs, stubborn disagreements and the like. Each time, my dad reassured me and my two younger brothers (the youngest bawling his eyes out) she'd come back, saying, "Where would she go?" He was right. She always returned. In her mind, she had nowhere to go -- desperate housewife trapped in a loveless marriage.

Over the years, she brought up the "D" word time and time again -- vocalized her misery, threatened to leave, and discussed future plans. She'd insist, "This time I'm serious..." Her biggest mistake was dragging us kids into it before it was a done deal. Yet it was always one excuse after another -- after swimming season is over, after your brother graduates high school, after the holidays, etc. In the end, the motto for dysfunctional marriages everywhere overruled: "Stay together for the kids."

I never understood. She had options. There are always options. You make do.

Thirty-one years wed, they're still together -- for better or for worse -- the two individuals who were supposed to set the example of a healthy, loving marriage. Is it wrong of me to feel bitter toward them for robbing me of this?

That is all. I promise "funny" next time.

For the Love of Dogs...

A guy friend of mine and his girlfriend, whom I've met a handful of times, got into such a heated argument early Saturday morning after leaving my place that she pulled over on the side of the highway. Of all things, they were arguing over who liked dogs more -- me or her! Can you believe it?!? How silly! It gets worse...

A cop arrived and my friend declared he was driving even though it had been his girlfriend. He was arrested when he blew a .10 on the spot and .08 at the station. Still unclear of his motivation for taking the blame, or whether his girl had been drinking, but as it stands, either noble or stupid on his part!

You know you really love someone when....you'd take a bullet for them, or get a DUI.

Misconceptions of Love

One of my guy friends at work started dating someone a few months ago. As usual, prying into the personal affairs of others, I asked if he had said those three little words.

"Why?" he asked.
"Because that's what she's waiting to hear."
"Silly women. Men don't feel the need to say that kind of stuff."

Prior to the Industrial Revolution, couples didn't necessarily marry for romantic love. It wasn't until after this, people sought mates for themselves instead of people related to friends and family and women had more economic opportunities. Both factors changed our society's concept of love, dividing it into two parts: masculine and feminine.

Masculine: Shared activities, companionship and physical affection. Providing economic and practical help are most important. Love is not dependent on emotion, romance or verbal expressions of love.

Feminine: Open, verbal expression of emotions and affection. Romanticism.

The feminization of love dominates our society, which hurts couples striving to attain this idealization of love. Since men don't express their emotions in the same way, a man may say "I love you" by washing his mate's car or spending quality time with them, but this expression of love goes unrecognized by the female. Additionally, individuals are misled to believe women are more capable of love than men. This difference in conception of love contributes to the reinforcement of gender roles in the U.S., with the belief personal relationships are reserved for women at home and the devaluation of women's love -- chores she does are regarded as work rather than affection.

Mind Games: To Play or not to Play?

I have a guilty pleasure. It's called Young & the Restless. Soap operas, yes, they're cheesy and dramatic and over-the-top, but every so often, they teach you a thing or two about the human condition.

One episode touched on the early stages of dating. Annoying blonde bimbo, Amber, has recently been seeing a man, Cane (as in 'hurricane'...try not to fall off your chair laughing), whom she met online. After a night out together, he calls the following afternoon to invite her to lunch, to which she replies, "Sorry, I'm busy." Conveniently nearby, her friend, Daniel, overhears the conversation, which prompts her to inform him of the "rules," saying she is applying the 3-day rule. In turn, the man can feel like the hunter in pursuit of his prey. Then while chatting up Daniel over coffee, she asks for a favor. She pulls out two third row tickets to Snow Patrol. She asks Daniel to call Cane and tell him he has two tickets to Snow Patrol that he can't use, offering them to him. As planned, Daniel gives the tickets to Cane, who then asks Amber to the concert.

Whew! Talk about an awful lot of trouble to get a guy's attention. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But all in all, well-played on Amber's part. Aside from the fact, risking Snow Patrol tickets for any guy is not worth it. Do manipulative mind games work? Or is it an unjustified, deep-seated notion embedded in our heads? If the thrill of the chase is what causes butterflies-in-your-stomach, which we associate with love, and/or feelings of love, then perhaps the rules truly weren't meant to be broken.