When You Least Expect It

This hilarious post by Catherinette reminded me of the first time TheGuy and I hooked up last year. It was 11 o'clock on a Saturday night when he texted to see what I was doing. Sadly, I was in my post-breakup/I-have-no-friends slump so not only had I taken out my contacts forty-five minutes ago, but I was in my pajamas, nestled under the covers of my bed.

At the prospect of someone actually wanting to hang out with me, I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, and ran a comb through my hair. I had no expectations, really. That is, I had no intention of inviting him back to my place. Surely I would have made some effort to hide various crap lying around if that were the case. So when he asked if I wanted to watch a movie at my place after the bar closed, I hesitated big-time. I said, "Only if you wait outside the door for a little while so I can quick clean up." Of course when we actually got to my door, he refused to do so, saying he didn't care. He did an admirable job of concealing his disgust, saying it "wasn't bad" but there was no mistaking it: my place was a dump.

It looked like a typhoon had cycled through it. I could've made several pyramids with the half-empty soda cans strewn about. My closet had thrown up as evidenced by the contents that littered the hallway and served as an obstacle course to the bathroom door.

All in all, five of the seven factors applied in this case.

1. I hadn't shaved in a week. Check!

2. Unmade bed. Check!

3. Disgusting house. Check!

4. Unclean car. Failed to apply as we drove separately. Rest assured, it was filthy inside and out.

5. Granny panties. Check!

6. Unmaintained landscaping. Check!

7. Menstrual cycle. Failed to apply, as the pregnancy test wasn't necessary.