Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I recently saw a picture of my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. From what he's told me, she's really into him and they share a number of common interests (much more than he and I did) so it sounds like a good match. I used to think it would bother me if he started dating before I did, but I don't feel an ounce of jealousy. I'm glad he's moved on. Sure, every so often, I think it'd be nice to have a Saturday date lined up, but I'm pretty content at the moment. However, I'm only human, so it's natural to be curious. What does he see in her? When he compares us, how do I stack up? Would we be friends under different circumstances?

Ok, so maybe my concern over whether we'd be BFF in another life is just a cover-up for my superficiality. Honestly, my first thought was, is she thinner than me? Not prettier. Thinner. That was the first thing I wanted to know. I couldn't conceal the smug glow when my ex confirmed she tipped the scale dial to the right more than myself. But it wasn't until I saw her photo that my reaction was, whoah, she's bigger than I expected.

While at work, chatting online with a girl friend, I sent the picture for support and scrutiny. We started off with the pros (we women folk don't want to be labeled "bitches"), in agreement she has a cute face, but had trouble coming up with more than that.

I almost fell over backward in my chair when she told me her co-worker walked into her office, saw the open picture on her computer, and asked if it was taken in 1995. If you were going off the new girlfriend's wardrobe, you would most definitely think so. She's wearing light denim capri jeans that look like they're about to bust at the seam, particularly in the badonkadonk region (pants that tight cannot be comfortable, can you say muffin-top?) and a horizontally-striped cotton top in camo colors -- light green, brown, and dark green. Word to the wise: horizontal stripes are for skinny people, and skinny people only. Like Waldo. They say the camera adds ten pounds; the same logic applies to horizontal stripes.

In an effort to acquire unbiased views, we both passed the photo around to male co-workers.

Here were the results:

Guy #1: "Too big for me. Sucks for him."

Guy #2: "She has a cute face, but that's about it."

Guy #3: "She'd be hot with makeup, after ten cocktails, and four shots of Patron."

I told my ex about our little poll (left out the male commentary) and he called me "psycho." Why am I not surprised? While the deluded thought of two women fighting over him must've been an ego boost, he had very little to do with the equation. It came down to women and the complex they develop when compared to other women. Female animosity trumps all.


Milwaukee Girl said...

Sometimes there's things we can't help - like when I met my ex's wife (I could tell because my engagement ring was on her finger) - I had the same reaction, WHOA NELLY.

wearingthepants said...

Wow, your ex gave his wife the same engagement ring?!?! Yikes.

*kb* said...

This is VERY funny!! I too always wonder first about the "skinnier" issue!!

MD said...

Is this the dude that doesn't like 300? If so, then good.

Jeff said...

I wanna see the pic!

wearingthepants said...

Yup, it's him.