Jibberish

Sorry in advance for the totally random post. I'm nonsensical today.

I don't know about you, but I get all my dating advice from The Hills.

In particular, I found Lauren and Audrina's conversation enlightening, as they reflected on Audrina's new man. Lauren recaps, "He returns your calls, which Justin didn't. He likes to kiss, which Justin didn't. He bathes, which Justin didn't. Upgrade!"

Yes, I believe it's safe to assume any guy who takes the time to wash himself on a regular basis is deemed an upgrade.

I went to the gym yesterday and did 5 miles. My pace was still slower than usual and I had to push through a few side aches, but it was a vast improvement over Monday's run. When I did sit-ups, hot personal trainer guy was positioned in my eye line, but he didn't look so hot close up. He's got sharp facial features which I'm not a fan of, but he still has perfect hair and a ripped upper body visible through his black t-shirt. Cute smile too.

I left the gym around 5:30. Two hours later, I arrived home. Traffic was insane with all the snow that's been dumped on us lately.

I know this may sound weird, but I'm not really into muscles (some exceptions apply, see above). In general, human bodies gross me out. I don't get turned on by a washboard stomach or firm buttocks. Of course, it doesn't hurt either, but body type isn't that big a deal to me. I've dated crack addict slim (Married Ex) to beefy butterball (MB). I don't even like my own body let alone someone else's so it caught me by surprise a couple weeks ago when TheGuy asked if I would ever get my belly button pierced.

I laughed and gave an affirmative, "No."

"Why not?" he asked. "You have your ears pierced and your tongue pierced."

"I don't like my stomach."

"What? You have a nice stomach."

Belly button piercings are attractive on tall, slender women. I don't qualify. I would never draw attention to the navel area unless you saw muscle and lots of it!

Deborah just came over to my cube and said, "When I sprayed my windshield wiper fluid this morning, it iced over my windshield and I couldn't see. I think the car dealership replaced it with water." I had to stop her from calling the dealership to complain and then explain to her that liquid freezes when it's cold. I said, "Did you use your defroster to melt the ice?" "No, I got mad so I just kept spraying more fluid."

Bottom Feeder

I apologize for the lack of quality posts but I assure you my life has been Dullsville as of late. Scraping the bottom of the barrel here folks.

1.) Deborah shelled out $1300 for a personal trainer that she turns a deaf ear to. He tells her to use the elliptical machine to burn calories. She refuses, saying it makes her feet go numb. He wants her to join Weight Watchers. She says no. He wants her to keep a food journal. She eats whatever the hell she wants and lies about it. Yesterday at Subway, her idea of 'healthy' was a six-inch tuna sub with mayo (yes, in addition to the mayo in the mix) and four pieces of cheddar cheese. At this very moment, she is on her way to the vedding machine to buy a bag of Grandma's vanilla cookies.

2.) Over the weekend, my parents were at a restaurant where the bartender happened to be an old acquaintance of mine. Our brothers played hockey together growing up so we hung out during games and recreational activities. Last time I saw her was in college at a club downtown and she had morphed from this dorky, scrawny little thing into this tall, slender "knockout" as my mom says. According to my mom, she was enthusiastic about getting in touch with me so they got her number and told her I would call. The thing is, I remember her as being annoying but it sounds like maybe she's changed. I guess she was living out in Vegas the past seven years and recently moved back. My mom, being who she is, just had to mention the fact I'm single at which point this girl said she's been in seventeen weddings! Damn. If it were four years ago, I would have pretended to take down her number, but I'm desperate for single friends these days, so I think I will give her a call. I just hope I don't end up regretting it if she turns out to annoy me (doesn't take much).

3.) The November 12 issue of Us Weekly promised to spill ‘how far Lauren Conrad goes on a first date.’ Too bad it wasn’t nearly that juicy. But she's got some valid points. From Us Weekly, LC’s Dating Advice:

 You have to date a lot of frogs “Whitney’s mother always tells her, ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince.’ Every time you have a failed relationship, learn from it. You’ll find out what you really want and need in a guy.”

 Know where you’re going “On my last date, the guy was like, ‘I have a surprise for you. Bring socks.’ Anyone who asks you to bring socks is taking you bowling. I was wearing a minidress and heels – I almost always wear a dress on the first date, and get a second opinion on the outfit from a friend – and, at the last minute, had to find another outfit.”

 Wear red lipstick “Normally I wear my makeup the same on a date as I do in the daytime; it’s important to be yourself. But I don’t kiss on the first date, and a guy won’t try when you have on red lipstick.”

 Let him pay “On a first date, it’s best for a guy to pay for dinner. It doesn’t have to be expensive. As dating progresses, it’s fine to split or take him out.”

 Don’t call him “If a guy wants to call, he’ll call. And I almost never go out with a guy who calls me the next day. I like a guy who has a life. Make me wait a couple of days and wonder. Otherwise it’s too easy.”

 Don’t hook up with every guy you’re dating “I go on a date every other week. As long as you understand that dating a different person every other week does not mean hooking up with a different person, it’s fun.”

4.) See, I told you. I got nothin’.