The Old Woman is Snoring

I snore ridiculously loud. I could snore most men under the table. It's been said that I "snore like a truck." Others have pondered how someone so little could produce so much noise. Platonic Ex would attempt to muffle the sound by burying me under a mound of pillows or pinching my nose to make it stop. TheGuy resorts to waking me and then racing to fall asleep before the truck starts revving its engine again. One night it didn't work, however, and I found him curled in the fetal position of my living room floor between the coffee table and TV stand.

Last night I learned that weight gain is attributed to snoring, which I was somehow unaware of. I googled it first thing this morning and found this.

DAN RUTZ: Surprising when you think about it as much as women tend to be smaller, that their airways ought to be smaller as well and isn't that one of the risk factors for snoring?

DR. SAMUEL MICKELSON: Well, it is and women's airways are smaller. But, probably one of the largest reasons why women don't snore as much as men has to do with more hormonal factors. With certain hormones, testosterone, men have more fat deposition in areas in and around the airway. So, when a man gains weight, they tend to get a larger neck, whereas, when a woman gains weight, they tend to put the weight on in the hips or in the abdomen and very frequently, have a very thin neck, even though they may be very heavy.

DAN RUTZ: And the fat, presence of fat in the neck, does have an affect on one's snoring?

DR. SAMUEL MICKELSON: Well, it does. The more fat you have in your neck; it makes your neck larger on the outside. But it also presses inward and makes your airway smaller on the inside. More importantly, the fat is actually deposited in the tissues of the throat, so your palate may be longer, the roof of the mouth, that's the palate. Your uvula may become larger. Your tongue may become larger because of fat being deposited within those structures.

Your tongue grows when you gain weight?!? How gross is that? I need to hit the gym immediately! If my neck gets any thicker, my neighbors are going to start filing complaints about my snoring.