The Big Blow Up

You would think after nine years of friendship and nine months of spending a significant amount of time together, a grown 27 and 28 year old would be able to sit down and have a civil conversation regarding the status of their relationship. Not so much...

It was typical Thursday date night: TheGuy came over so we ordered food and watched some TV. While we were eating, he asked if his sister had called me that day concerning a potential job opportunity. "Well, she will be calling you soon. By the way, I told her we were just really good friends. I didn't elaborate beyond that," he said. That was a telling statement. Telling in that his sister only knew of me (we've never met) as his "really good friend" yet he felt the need to forewarn me of this title in case I spoke with her and mistakenly referred to her brother as "my boyfriend" or God only knows what else.

Then as he was getting ready to leave, he asked me a question that inadvertently led to the "define the relationship" discussion we'd successfully put off for as long as the average woman’s pregnancy. Forgive me for being vague here but you can't expect me to divulge ALL the details of my personal life. The raised question at hand was something to the effect of whether I'd been hooking up with other guys.

Confrontation is my biggest weakness. Though I had nothing to hide since I haven't even so much as made out with another guy (even if I had, it technically shouldn't have mattered), I felt as though he were accusing me of just that. He then backpedaled by adding, "Not that I would care if you were." Ouch. There was a red flag if I ever saw one.

That shut me up. I thought to myself, why should I defend myself? I've done nothing wrong here. Noting my discomfort, he said, "I feel like I made you defensive and that wasn't my intention." He went on to say he only brought it up because we'd never discussed what we were doing. But his idea of a “discussion” ended there.

I, on the other hand, was not about to let it go, knowing full well I wouldn't have the balls to bring it up at a later date. I said, "So it wouldn't bother you if I was hooking up with other guys?" I felt better the instant he admitted, "Well, yeah it would." But when I pressured him to discuss our relationship, he bolted for the door. Several times. The first time he tried to hug and say goodbye to me, I shrugged it off.

TheGuy: Now you're upset.

Me: Yeah I'm upset, I want you to stay here and talk to me.

TheGuy: It's late and this is going to end up being a long discussion so I'm going to go.

Me: Why would it be a long discussion?

TheGuy: It just would.

Me: It's pretty simple. It's not going to take that long.

TheGuy: It's already late, I just want to go.

Me: [standing between him and the door] Do you know how long this has been going on? Nine months!

TheGuy: Yeah, but it would have kind of weird if we had talked about it back then.

Me: What are we gonna do? Put it off another 3 months? Make it an even year?

TheGuy: I'll write you a long email about it tomorrow.

Me: Oh, yeah right. You're the one who said it should be a face-to-face conversation.

TheGuy: Ok, we'll talk about it this weekend then.

Me: [arms crossed, shaking head in disbelief]

TheGuy: I'm gonna go.

Me: If you leave right now, I'm gonna be so pissed at you.

TheGuy: [gives unreciprocated hug] Good night WTP. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Me: [turns and walks away]

How dare he bring it up and then walk out on me? In an infuriated rage, I texted him five minutes later and told him to tell his sister not to call me about the job. He texted back asking why but I ignored it. It certainly crossed my mind to write him off as my friend, but I’ve done that to friends in the past and I always end up regretting it. There are certain people in my life I know I could never stay mad at indefinitely and he is one of them.

I didn't believe him when he said he would email me the following day but that didn't stop me from psychotically checking my inbox every three and a half minutes. At 9:58 AM, I received what I’d been hoping for. He apologized for leaving, acknowledging it was unfair after he’d been the one to bring it up, but saying that he didn’t think it was going to be a short conversation since I was upset and that he’d found it was better not to have discussions like that when people are already upset. I was a little touched that he expressed concern I would never speak to him again or want to date him or even be his friend.

His email was quite long and got into some personal stuff, but he said if he had to label our relationship he would say we are “dating.” He went on to say that when he talks about me to other people he always refers to me as, “WTP, the girl I’m seeing.” It’s hard for me to picture him saying that. I just sort of assumed he failed to mention me to others or if there was a story that involved me, I figured he would simply call me his “friend” or perhaps his “friend from college.”

Most of my close friends know him and are familiar with the situation, but as far as other people are concerned, it never occurred to me to refer to him as more than a friend. Since we’d never had that talk before, I didn’t want to make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’

So I don’t know, I skimmed over the heart of the email out of respect, but that’s where things stand. At least some questions have been answered. I haven't seen him since the near hostage situation, but he asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow. I can't help but feel it will either be terribly awkward or this will be a turning point. It certainly has been the slowest paced relationship of the century, but given the transition I went through over the last year, I’m okay with that. For the time being anyway. Who knows what lies ahead.