Pathetic Wingman

Did you think I abandoned my blog? Work has been "busy" and it was the weekend of dog sitting in the ghetto sans wireless internet. How I've missed you, oh blog of mine. Before I get to the doggy business, I shall update you on weekend nightlife.

Despite my leeriness of the neighborhood, I went out both Friday and Saturday. For a change, my liver thanked me for the first time in a long while, for I only consumed one beer Friday and one rum and Coke Saturday. I felt it was essential I return to unfamiliar territory sober, especially considering the home is secured by an alarm system. The last thing I wanted to do was stumble home drunk and fail to deactivate the system before the cops showed up.

Friday evening was low-key. I met a girl friend of mine and her friends at sports bar, Major's. In contrast to last weekend, nothing unusual or out of the ordinary happened (that night anyway). When I arrived, my girl friend was sitting with her guy friend and his roommate. This "friend" of hers would very much like to be more than just her friend.

His roommate, aka Wingman, took it upon himself to do his very best to get her to go back to their place and play Guitar Hero, of all things. Apparently, she went to their place once before to play the game and didn't fare so well. So why the hell would she want to go back and play again?? Good question.

Ok, so bring it up once, maybe twice, and be done with it. Wingman would not let it die! Every few minutes, he'd chime in, "You know you want to play Guitar Hero." No, actually she just said she sucked at the game and didn't care for any of the music. But this guy would not let it alone and every time he brought it up, it would turn into a ten-minute discussion of how she didn't like the game and how he thought she should come over and play again. During all this, I couldn't help but wonder, did it ever occur to him to try a new tactic?!?

Here are a few of the classic lines men say to women to get them to go home with them:

1.) "Come over for an after-bar."
This has got to be the most popular and most successful way to get women to go back to your place. For one, it sounds innocent enough and oftentimes, is nothing more than members of the opposite sex getting their drink on. More booze = more fun!

2.) "We have a ____."
Entice females with a fun activity. Hot tub is the best answer to this fill-in-the-blank. Not only will women be excited to go home with you, but they're likely to get naked, or almost naked. Alternate options could be pool table, dartboard or simply the suggestion of drinking games.

3.) "Wanna watch a movie?"
So cliché it makes you cringe. Everyone knows what "watch a movie" means. Who doesn't like movies? Movies are watched in the dark, sometimes under blankets, sometimes you cuddle or hold hands. If a girl agrees, this is a pretty safe bet (attention all college students), presuming cock blockers don't interfere.

I got a little off-track, but the moral of the story is, if you're a guy and you want a girl to go home with you, don't try so hard!!! I can't emphasize it enough. If she wants to go home with you, she will. Pestering her and her friends until they're annoyed beyond belief is not the way to go about it.

Plus, you look transparent. Maybe even desperate. You're a guy -- we're well-aware of the fact you want to get in our pants. Why not mislead us by making us think you just want to get know us better?!? We're easily fooled, or to put it more eloquently, occasionally suffer from a temporary lapse in judgment. We're more likely to respond to aloofness than assertiveness -- we can overanalyze you that way.