Fake 'n Spray: My First Mystic Tan Experience

Doesn't really have the same ring, does it? Failed to come up with an original name for it. Not a regular at the tanning salon, in fact, I hadn't gone for over a year and that was in preparation for a trip to the Bahamas. However, seeing my pale skin when surrounded by floor-length mirrors, under flourescent lighting at the gym has served as a daily reminder of how sickly I look, thus prompting me to re-visit Planet Beach. Oh, and in case I ever forget for a minute, there are always a handful of women with toned bodies and bronzed tans at the gym who really know how to give you a complex!

In the good old days (my high school years), there was simply one kind of tanning bed. They all looked the same, neutral in color and you had to lie flat on your back. They later invented the beds where you could stand, but the idea of standing never appealed to me. My God, how times change! Now when you walk through the door of a tanning salon, the employees bust out a 4" three-ring binder and bombard you with a crapload of package options, guaranteed to make your head spin.

Not only are there a multitude of beds to choose from, but then there's an explanation of what each one does and heaven forbid, you enter a bed without purchasing one of their skin care products like a moisturizer or bronzer!! Tanning beds these days look like they're from the set of some futuristic, sci-fi flick! Call me old-fashioned, or just plain old, but frankly, they intimidate me! They have fancy paint jobs to make them look very sleek -- shiny red mixed with a silver sparkly color and smooth, curvy lines. They look more like a vehicle and they are about the same size. Many of them fill an entire room! Put-off by the monstrous machines (oh yeah, and dangerous UV rays), I decided to try the new (er, not-so-new) mystic tan, or spray-on tan.

Perhaps like me, you saw the Friends episode, The One with Ross's Tan, where Ross, after admiring his sister's tan, decides to try mystic tan. The employee gives him the instructions, which he fails to remember, so he ends up getting sprayed four times on his back and none on his front. That was my only first-hand knowledge as to how these booths worked, so I was a little hesitant going into it. Luckily, my experience was nothing like that.

The Planet Beach "special" has been going on for at least two years! Buy one, get one free for $30. The employee insisted since I hadn't done any moisturizing that day, I buy $3 moisturizing cloths for the ultimate tanning experience (ok, she didn't say it like that, but she was cleverly convincing), then after she swiped my credit card, supposedly realized, "Oh wait, they were $5." She asked me about color options (light, medium, dark) so she suggested dark and selected one other option for me. Still unclear what that was, but it was based on when you will shower next.

So she took me back to the room and rattled off the instructions and a short demo, which you wouldn't think would be so complicated. I've never been too good with verbal instructions, just ask my 9th grade lab partner. Fortunately, they have a handy checklist framed on the dark purple wall.

First, undress and remove jewelry. Second, put on shower cap and eye goggles. Third, apply some cream to your hands and feet, including your cuticles and between your fingers and toes. Next, apply the moisturizing cloths to your entire body (only suckers need adhere). The door to the booth opens and closes by censored touch. A robotic female voice says,"door opening" and "door closing." Then wave your hand at another censor to activate the spray and assume the proper position. As the employee demonstrated, you must stand with your legs shoulder-width apart and your arms out, almost at a 90 degree angle. When you turn completely around, to do your back, you want your arms to remain distanced from your body, but move your hands so they are in front of your body.The robot's voice delivers the instructions while you mentally prepare for a shockingly cold blast to your entire body (she left this part out)! The spray-on tan odor is probably the worst part. It's intoxicating. I wanted to cough, but was afraid I would inhale the spray if I opened my mouth. Kinda like when some tool walks by and you can actually taste their cheap cologne in the back of your throat. I didn't wear goggles so the spray irritated my contacts a bit, even an hour afterwards, but since I wear [obsolete] hard contacts, they were probably more sensitive to the spray.

Once you step out, they emphasize the importance of rubbing down from head-to-toe with the towel to prevent orange marks. Particularly in places people commonly forget like the back of their knees, throat, and elbows. I think I did a pretty good job with removing most of the spray. My hands look kind of orange today and I have one streak on my elbow, but not such a big deal. Overall, it was a pretty positive experience. It's definitely not as relaxing as lying in a tanning bed, which especially sounds good on a day like today with snow in April! It's the opposite really, with the cold blast of fumes and whatnot. On the other hand, I know I'm much darker than I would be if I had used the basic tanning bed, not to mention exposure-free of UV rays, but I'll have to see how long this "tan" lasts to know if it's worth the money...